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I am going to be straight forward with this. My life is in a mess right now and I don't want to go talk to my therapist about this because of nmerous reasons.
I am a 26 year old male. Single parent. I never had my dad by my side and always had to be there emotionally for my mother. Never had my emotions addressed. I had to understand my mother by keeping her state in mind and ignore my emotions and feelings. I always kept my feeling to myself and unfortunately got into a relationship. It was kind of toxic. Both ways, I was toxic to her and she was toxic to me. All my life decisions were compromised as my mom always used to say to go the safest way and never take risk. She was always critical towards to me, never inculcated real world things into me. I am short, 5'2" in height, fat and stout. Not at this age I am clueless about my life. I don't know what I want to do in my life.
At this age I thought she will look for my marriage and get me an alliance for an arranged marriage, but she does not want to do that. I am her only child and I don't understand what she is thinking. She always asks me to do a PhD and tell me don't worry about my marriage or anything. I have always listened to her blindly and followed whatever she has told me and when I thought I may get settled in life then she tell she will not get me married.
I understand that I don't have a high paying job, I don't have house of my own I rent an apartment and I am not dependent on her. I have enver spoken against her at all scared that it will hurt her very badly and always taken the blame. She condemns me in front of her friends and tells that I am useless and hopeless in life. I have done my masters degree. I have undergone deprerssion for a year, have anxiety issues, OCD also for some extent and an over thinker. I never told all these and have always catered for her emotions and feelings to my capacity. Right now I am so clueless about my life that I don't want to live this life. She always tells her friends that I listen to her and do as she says. One of her friends kid is working in some random company. One of her other friend is undergoing mental conditions and taking medications. I am trying to improve myself daily.
I don't understand why isn't she understanding that I am ready for marriage and I want to shout at her for ruining my life. For not allowing me to take my own decisions. She always cares only about herself and what people think about her. Why am I suffering so much in life. I want to cry and cry and want to start my life again.
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Act out on you're emotions, be healthy and prove your point that you're ready to grow out of this shell she's been keeping you in. You're a man, you deserve to lead you're life..life is scary but isn't that why people love rollercoasters?
ReplyFamily members, friends, neighbors, and teachers began labeling us starting at an early age. This continues to this day and along the way we accept and adopt some of these descriptions – I am anxious, pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, young, old, clumsy, athletic, smart, stupid, rude, sensitive, perceptive, naive, sad, serious, worthless, cautious, reckless, emotional, insecure, etc... We began seeing ourselves as this defined limited character (a separate self) and our thoughts and behaviors are consistent with this idea. Our ‘separate self’ character feels incomplete and wants to get what is missing. It also feels imperfect and wants to get rid of problem areas.
When the unwanted happens to us, when the wanted does not, and every time our effort to fix ourselves fail, we suffer. We feel agitated, irritated, bored, disappointed, jealous, anxious, depressed, afraid, lonely, angry, or some other unwelcomed feeling or sensation.
Each of us are self-aware to an extent but when this knowledge is not clear, our true nature is hidden. A close look reveals that the most common element found in every one of my experiences is my presence – ‘I am there’. When I am sad, I am present there. When I am happy, I am present there. When I cry, I am present there. When I am in love, I am present there. When I feel anxious, I am present there. When I am angry, I am present there. The truth is ‘I AM this always present AWARENESS that has no shape, size, age, race, gender, weaknesses, needs, or demands.’ Undefinable unlimited AWARENESS can’t be harmed and, therefore, resists nothing.
The dance of creation is all of GOD’s creatures just experiencing each other and surrounding things. Animals do what they must and then enjoy their down time moments or sleep. After handling our obligations, instead of enjoying ourselves, we usually spend this time trying to make our current situation different / better than it is or waste this time regretting that it is not. We want and usually attempt to acquire and secure preferred objects, circumstances, wealth, activities, and / or relationships expecting them to deliver lasting peace, love, and happiness. Even if we are successful, the satisfaction is only temporary. These coveted feelings are not earned, produced, provided, achieved, or possessed. Peace, love, and happiness are our essential nature – how / what we are at our core. They shine through our being and energize our actions when we remember that this is so.
We really don't have a life to live as we choose. LIFE has us. Each of us is what LIFE is doing where we are right now. Every encounter is an opportunity to go with and not resist this flow. When we give up on our false sense of control and just let IT BE, LIFE more effectively operates through us making this world a better place, one laugh, one smile at a time.
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