My Unsent Letter

Dear Ex M

I hope you are doing fine just like you are portraying it. You have been in my mind since 2015 the day i got to know you had a crush on me even tho you never had a courage to propose but I could see it in every conversation every message and every call my friends and classmates knew better than me. I am grateful that I received a genuine love from you, even tho i wasn’t able to reply because you never defined our relationship, I was always afraid that maybe you are not into it.

After leaving school in 2016 I suffered from thoughts of not being able to see you again, I used to cry to from missing you, but i hide it so well. I was so afraid to show you that i loved you back and before leaving the country to go abroad you tried to meet with me but I couldn’t, I remember the day you left (2018) (I cried so so much 😭😭😭) I lied that we had a lot at school that i won’t be able to come at the airport, but during that time i was feeling depressed after my total thyroid surgery and not having a chance to attend a university i needed, as well as not using my talent to the fullest with my family problems. I was insecure and afraid I wanted to be so perfect and look so nice that it destroyed every hope that was there. After you reaching there I don’t even know how we started dating but it felt like I forced it in certain ways. We struggled at first and I always thought that maybe you are stressed because of new life in our relationship i can say you did the most calling, texting and all but i loved you more and I don’t know if it was the same.

Our first break up was so quick we didn’t even last for one year even i second one at first i used to say that you are a bad person in our story ant i used to portrait myself as the best and hurt one! I don’t know if I regret telling you about my family and hour our life style in past damaged me and made me worthless, zero self esteem and alot more and how i wanted to change my mindset and own my story because we grow up to find out that our family was trying to be there for us, or if it’s the way you made me feel low after telling you my story you made me feel like i was a drama queen, I remember you saying that you needed someone to be there for you emotionally that you no longer feel chemistry and that I should put in efforts like you do, whenever i was sick I couldn’t tell you without first checking my grammar so that I don’t sound like i am being weak because you would only say sorry you will be alright, when all i wanted you to say was affectionate words, I was in hell and a mess during those years we were on and off 2018-2020 we wasn’t even official only to my friends but I don’t know if you even told anyone among yours. You made me feel so lowwwwwwwwww😭😭😭😭😭 in 2020 after our last break up because i prayed to God that if it was going to be alright then it better if we break up and it happened you going for days without talking to me made me broke you and the un broke you later on WhatsApp, it was the time to start my own business I remember telling you that I was going to start my business and you said are you and your mom going to be selling those in the market and i was so mad at you how you could have encouraged me and say how proud you were, but i saw you following all my business platforms and comments on some post let on I deleted your number and faced my demons.

I started looking within to help my traumas and engaging and feeling God’s love in my life. I was helped by God’s love he loved me that I forgot for sometimes what it felt like to be lonely, from low self esteem to a confidence business lady, from always praying so that God can change me to standing in my truth and love every ounce of me and love me better that anyone else did.

I never entered any other relationship but I couldn’t see myself with any other person except him. He was my best friend the one I couldn’t believe that at some point in life I won’t be able to see him again, this year he started texting me calling me and initiating conversations and provoking messages but i played it cool and we made it a joke. I was so happy but mad at last, because if there is something I don’t want a gain is to be in undefined relationship. What I want now is a relationship from God, that will pull me closer to him and that will help me to evolve. Sometimes it hurts me when I think of you but with assurance in my heart that if it’s you or someone else I know this time it will be from God.

This is all i wanted to tell you but i know you also have your side story. I want to also thank you for loving me and for waiting i want to thank you for feeling like my happy place, you can’t imagine how your calls makes me feel. And your love letter saying goodbye to each other in high-school it is full of wisdom and encouragement that every time i read it I become uplifted thank you. I am learning not to be mad at looking back but to cherish our memories and love we shared silently because i know it was worthwhile and God used you to help me discover my weaknesses. I loved you and always will. Have a happy life.