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Am i really different or i just convinced myself that i am different? I haven’t asked myself things like that for years. Was it because i don’t prefer the things that most people like? Was it because i prefer to be alone that in the company of others? Was it because i don’t like socializing much? Was it because i have one or two acquaintances that i refused to call friends behind their backs because i still doubt them? Was it because i can’t develop genuine feelings for someone? Was it because i can do anything independently as long as it doesn’t trigger any past i tried to escape from? Was it because i prefer reading than partying? Was it because i’m not talkative to someone i ‘m not comfortable with? Was it because i can be too honest and sarcastic? Was it because i’m cold? Was it because i feel like i don’t need anyone because i believe that all i need is myself? Am i really a thinker? Am i really smart? Am i really i am right now? Am i naturally born this way? Or i chose to turn this way the moment everything in my life fell down. Do i really like reading or i force myself into it? Do i really don’t like having someone around or it’s just the cause of trust issues i formed from past experiences? Do i really like being alone or i just get used to it since every time i let people in they just caused me so much damage? Do i really need anyone or i just set myself to the thinking that i don’t need anyone because in the end, they will eventually leave? Do i really don’t want the company of others or i just don’t know how to form a conversation with them without being awkward because i let my mouth shut for several years? Am i really thinking or into feelings? Because i get frustrated sometimes.
The truth is i don’t have any idea about my true identity. I often appear cold, am i really cold? Or i just picked up that personality from the novel and books i’ve read? Or was it because of my past experiences? I don’t really know. I’m so scared to be an average person that i think i have to fake my personality to fit the character i wanted to be, but in the end, i wasn’t satisfied. I am more lost than found.
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I am very much like this and I think it is because when I was a child I received no love and only nastiness from my mother and my father didn't care enough. Because of this I am self nurturing as an adult. I also had abandonment issues from family members from the age of 2. When I was 2 and again at 3 mother went into hospital and I was taken to live with my grandparents and aunt and I was very happy there. I was led to believe that I would stay with them for the duration of the time mother was in hospital but I was taken to a house which took in 12 kids but was run like an orphanage. I hated it there. As I said this happened twice. I was mislead. I learned at a young age not to trust anyone. I have a disconnection with people and prefer to be alone. Also, many people have been nasty to me over the years and I am both fed up and used to this. I don't think that experiences mold or shape your personality because we learn from them and gain wisdom from them. However, I did change from being a snowflake to becoming an aggressive person who goes off at people who are nasty and I have had quite a few punch ups. I am female. I don't know if any of this helps you in any way. But look back at your childhood and see what you can come up with.
ReplyI love this. Seeing how someone sees themselves is so interesting. I think we all have a little bit of that "am I really this way or have I just pretended for too long." I have two opposing thoughts on this. 1- that maybe you are the way you are bc of books or childhood traumas or anything else and those are all totally valid personality makers. Ya know? Like we're made of all the little things that make us.
2- my other thought on this is that you don't seem to fit with the personality you've found or made for yourself anymore. And who knows maybe you've outgrown who you've always been. That's ok. That's normal. You're allowed to find out who you are again. You're allowed to try being loud and obnoxious one day and maybe quiet but hopeful another day. Try on new faces till one fits. Maybe you'll never find one. Maybe you'll have to create you're own through years of trying and failing. Any way, I promise life will become more interesting when you start the deep dive of who you really are and who you wanna be.
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