there is no just place for the world is made to be unfair

you finally have a good day, then a good week, then a month, and then you finally start picking yourself up. then you start getting shit together again, the future looks bright, and then your family just comes in the picture and then you're reminded why you hate them. why you were distant. why everything went to shit and should have stayed that way. why you never went out of your room.

because even the most simplest, tiniest, littlest inconsiderate thing they do, you just know they're fucking ignorant. i don't want to blame them, i really don't, but you don't know how it feels when your heart has been considerate for far too fucking long and kindness hurts more than it should. they should've seen the signs, they should've looked at those stupid fucking cuts. they should've checked up on me, reassure me, ask me if im alright. and they do, but its always surface level shit. they don't suspect anything and i don't know if that makes me feel relieved or frustrated.

then its just something fucking stupid that comes out of their mouths again. called me fat in a joking way. it was supposed to be a joke right? it was supposed to be funny. i wasn't supposed to feel like shit but i did. i still do. i remember her words, every single one. all the fat goes to your thighs, she said. i didn't want to eat that much anymore. or maybe that im lazy, i never clean my room. probably because im too busy distracting my head 24/7 with junk shit i know will never help me. investing myself in interests that run deep like rabbit holes to prevent a single thought from occurring because i know damn well if i feel anything slightly negative i will spiral. that's a promise, I've been through it.

or maybe its because im in the closet. nothing more than a fucking work of the devil to them. they'll try to pry it out of me, im sure. i would never come out to them. if they've taught me anything, its that love is conditional. im supposed to play by the rules if i want to be seen, loved. no one wants a fucking tranny. a goddamn demon.

but its not like they ever knew i got groomed. got groomed by the same man i felt safe with. i considered him my big brother. and the small child in me said, "finally, an adult i can trust.", and fate comes in like a double edged sword and mercilessly steals away the small crumb of innocence i had because life is cruelty. do or die. fight of be killed, and that's how it always will be. an environment too hard for a soft child. I tried exposing him. maybe he's also grooming other kids. a selfish fuck, that's what he is. but sometimes i miss him. sometimes i crave his attention, the moments when he listened, he knew i liked that. having someones ear to talk off, someone who gave enough of a shit. whats a child to do with the cards he's dealt with? then i just realised he was using me. the world is a harsh place to live in. people could not give a single fuck. after all, its just some dumbass kid who got taken advantage of. hows that relevant?

then it comes, it always does. the void. the fucking nothingness. null, an empty space that lives between the crevices in your bones and masticates away at the same flesh, devouring your body and soul wholly while you float in abyssal nightmares. same shit everyday. the gadget is an escape.

and there it is, the conclusion. adults are not to be trusted, not anymore. not in a world full of hatred, of people full of sick fantasies and desires of twisting and corrupting something so beautiful. that's how it is isn't it? a golden rule, one unspoken yet true, the more pure it is, the more satisfying it is to just corrupt. to plague it with paranoia and fear, dread and agony. that's all there ever is to this life. life is just a goddamn chore every single one of us has to do. that's how it feels for me. everyday, every hour, every second, every moment. every single memory is just something faded, kind of like smudged watercolor. it was there before, surely. but its too vague to see, but maybe its for the best.