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I am tried of my parents being so mean. Yeah sure they aren't as horrible as others. But it gets under your skin, makes sense since they have been like this for as long as I could remember. My mom loves to say how I don't do anything around the house, because I forgot to do something. I asked my dad (who was not busy) to put his work clothes away, cause you know it's HIS clothes and they were yelling at me about "I'm being rude", I'm sorry how is it rude to ask a borderline 60 year old man to put his damn clothes away. That was it. I didn't ask him to wash his clothes, just put them away. He would avoid putting them away until he goes to bed. He was all like "are they at least flat?" as if it matters if you put them away quickly. He and my mom were watching TV so I understand if he was annoyed to have to stop, but to say "I'm being rude" is just bs. It seems no matter what I do, if I make a mistake (no matter how small) it undermines my effort. My parents refuse to actually explain anything. Their explanation are like using the word in a definition, and when I ask for clarification they just say it again but with fancier words. My mom loves to complain about me as if I am just a random person. As if I am not her own kin. As if I am just a fly in the house. She refuses to accept that how you raise a kid very heavily affects them. She uses the excuse that because twins who were raised the same ended up different, as if that means parenting is completely irrelevant. Sure they might not be the worse, but that doesn't mean they are less of jerks. My dad has continuous to dehumanize me just because I am transgender. My mom says "how she defends me" but she rarely does. And when she does it is more of a "hey" and not just telling him. She says it will fall on deaf ears, but it would better than falling on no ears. She complaints about how I asked her to actually use my pronouns (he/him) and not just use my name. Like I'm sorry, I am just asking you to take one step up. There is just like three steps. She was all like "maybe I won't use pronouns for anyone!!!!!!" and she complaints about how ask for "all this stuff" (or accommodations) and than how I don't give an inch. Like I'm sorry. You never fucking ask for anything. My mom literally outed me to my dad because I asked for a binder. There was no need. And for a long time she was all like "I don't think it's best for you" as if she fucking knows. Why the hell do I have to justify it to you? Why do I have to go in dept about how I think it is best for me? I have binders now. But that faze pissed me the fuck off. I remember being told in elementary school to not wear the same clothes two days in a row. Like if I wear a shirt and wear it again tomorrow because it was washed, or similar looking pants because that would make us look "poor". As if they gave a shit. They did not. My parents admitted to hitting me as a little kid. My dad thinks he can say whatever he wants, no matter how bigoted. I heard him "jokingly" call our dog the n word multiple times because her belly is getting dark. We are all white. At the beginning of summer break, my dad had asked me if we wanted to go to the zoo. And after I heard his racist bullshit I really did not want to go with him. I told my mom this and SHE TOLD HIM. Without my permission. As much as I hated him, I could still tolerate him enough to see the animals. So I mentioned it again and he asked if I still wanted to go. And that was it. My mom told me "that I had manipulated him". What. I brought it up and he asked if I wanted to still go so we went. Simple as that. I wasn't making him. I would of been a bit sad if we didn't go but I wouldn't try to make him. Do do do do do do next topic. I am so sick and tried of my overwhelming fear of being judged. My anxiety tells me that If I am judged then they will hate me and they will spread the hate and I will end up all alone. So for me I can barely talk me when I get super anxious. Which leads to more anxiety. It is a never ending war. I have friends but for some fucking reason I csn't text them. I know logically that they won't chew me out for saying hi, even if it was just bad timing. But I am so fucking scared I can't even text them. Even just a hi. Because what if they were just faking the friendship. God it sucks. I do what I am suppose to do. Sure I could do better but at least it is better than nothing. I wish I was disconnected from it for one fucking second. I was really close with one of my friends a while again, we broke up because my ocs I was telling her about was giving her panic attacks and she didn't tell me and just told me and broke up with me, we are friends again. But it's not the same. I wish I could crawl into a hole and die. For one second. How nice would that be. Sure it would not be long enough to do anything but it would be a nice break to not think about all the "embarrassing" things I said and not feel the overwhelming urge to run out there. Back to my parents, they blame me. They say nobody would hang out with me because my resting face makes me looked pissed off. I'm not angry. They are the only ones who even think that. We used to go far away to visit some family, and my aunt when I was younger got me a whole bunch of presents and she blamed me for it slowing down/stopping because I couldn't say hi. She said why would she would want to give gifts to someone who is rude. My psych teacher knows that young people are kinda afraid to take to adults. She knows it is not unusual for someone to be a bit shy around adults you don't know very well. Because of my anxiety (for the most part a little bit of the depression) I daydream. It has become a problem. I daydream all the time. I know it might not count as maladaptive daydreaming, but I want it to stop. I know I lean back on it because it distracts me from my distress. Feeling out your feelings is good. It is. I am fucking sick of my stupid ass social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety in a normal amount is normal. Like being worried about making a good impression on a potential boss is normal but it is not normal to be deathly afraid of texting a hi. Fucking sick. I hate it. I hate it I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate. I hate. Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. I know it is so irrational. I wish I was able to get over it. I had achrnophobia and my brain just got over it. I can look a picture of a spider, hell I think some of them are cute, and not feel as if they would idk. Obviously I am working on it. What they don't tell you about getting out your comfort zone for sad is that you might have the overanazlyising still. I know that a lot of these see dumb as hell to stress over. But hear I am thinking about that thing, where people had dead as a forgot about it. I know my friends have no reason to judge me. I know that they would be 'understanding'. But here I am running away as if they were serial killers. Not literally but you get the idea. I hate it. I hate it. I don't even know what means to be understood. What does that mean? On a deep emotional level. I don't understand. When I friend was breaking things off she said she could only be friends with someone who understands them, but I don't understand what I did to 'understand' her. I don't get it. Maybe I am understood by my friends but I just don't know what it means. Everyone is so vague by it. I tried to look it up but it is talking about the actual word. Not the emotional shit.
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I didn’t continue reading . You must talk nicely with your parent. You complain a lot . And thinking you are the only one has feeling , your parents do have feeling and you should respect their feelings at first respect your parents at first so you can get the endless empathy that you don’t deserve
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