The Heart That Will Always Doubt

My heart is pounding in my throat.I just cant take it anymore. I have to get it out of my system but i really don't know where to begin. This feeling as been in my heart and mind torturing me for years but i am not able to bear it anymore.

I really don't know where to begin but it all is just mixed up in my mind. I am praying to God to help me clear it out and straighten it out to some extent.

I will try to straighten it out into segments.

The first thing that is bothering me a lot is my love life. I really avoid being attached to someone in particular because whenever I need them most the will not be by my side, i now that and experienced it firsthand. So when I feel that i am beginning to attach to a person I break up with them. But almost 2 years back I loved a guy with all my heart and the thing that I feared happened to me. I loved him with all my heart and soul but he played with it and broke it so bad that made me lose all hope in love. It took me one whole year to recover from the shock and get a hold on myself. And I made a promise to my heart that i won't try to hurt it again. This became threatened when my good friend asked me whether he can date me as he was dumped by his girlfriend I felt really bad for him and said take your time don't rush the decisions. He said ok he will think about it. If i tell my friends this they will judge me even though not to me directly. But the real thing that is bothering me is what if he is just considering me as an option, what if he thinks I am available for him as am not currently dating anyone. I have expressed this concern to him but he says he respect me a lot and will keep me happy. He asked me today again whether I am accepting his proposal or not, and i replied you can find another that will make you happy. I am waiting for the one to whom i can pour my unconditional love but I am fearful that my heart will always be in doubt and leave the one who maybe the one for me.