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I want to share this with you, but now is not the time.
After 26 years of being together, and 21 years of marriage, you have said this is it. No change of reconciliation, the separation is permanent.
Things are still to raw, but I most want to say that I am not the monster you think I am. Not to make you change your mind, or to make you feel bad, but because I care what you think of me. There is too much hurt for you to see me and my actions as they really are. I take responsibility for a lot of that hurt, so I can't blame you. But I cry in frustration that no mater what I do it can't be enough.
I can't give you what you want. I'm not that person ... I'm unreliable, impulsive, defensive, and conflict avoidant. You express hurt with anger, and I am not able to give you the support you want while you are angry.
I've done everything in my capacity to give yo and be what you want, I've been prepared to live in misery to be in relationship with you - and it isn't enough. I'm an not enough, or I have failed.
I have to be honest and say you can't give me what I need. I wan to feel secure, to be confident I won't be abandoned. I don't know when I felt that way, I've been fighting a losing battle to keep the marriage for most of the last 5 years, and a week ago I lost.
What hurst is that I think that if I list the behavior's that I need from a partner you wouldn't have a problem with most of them. Take responsibility for your words and actions if you are angry. Sometimes take the initiative to reach out and repair the relationship after a conflict, don't leave it up to me all the time. Be prepared to acknowledge my opinion has validity, even if you disagree.
I don't think you actually do any of these. You have so much contempt for me, and I care so much what you think of me, even now, my heart bursts.
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