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You know what, actually, I am hurt and it is eating me up inside I didn’t think I would feel this way. What is love, how do I perceive it is the question I’m asking. I thought that if I experience the physical thing it will help me understand, the first time around was okay, it didn’t last long and I wasn’t overly thrilled about it. It was exiting not any words could really describe it, it hurt but then it didn’t. It felt good to be wanted by someone, and the only thing I needed was the physicality of, or was that really the only thing I wanted. I don’t talk to my friends like that, I don’t want to be seen as normal or corporal. I liked not liking, or having any emotional attachments to anyone, and I’m not saying I am attached but it hurts. It hurts that I don’t know what the other person thought of me, why they didn’t text me again, or why am I even feeling this way if this is exactly what I wanted. I never wanted a deep relationship with anyone that’s just not me I can’t do that, not to myself not to anyone else. Am I messed up in the head? Is that the answer? Am I broken? Is the questions I’m asking myself, will I further destroy myself just to not feel anything? I don’t know. The second time around I wasn’t sober, I was high and I thought that, that would make it easier to have a fun time with no foul words spoken or rude comments spout. I was wrong and it was my side that coudnt shut up, I found myself sitting alone in silence after an intimate time that I clearly enjoyed. I found myself overthinking all the possibilities of what will happen next or what will not happen next. I became anxious, not understating that In actuality I was not wanted. I was not used but I felt like it. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Why coudnt I just shut up or why coudnt I have been born pretty or why coudnt I have gone to the gym last week. As I sat there in the comfort of my own thoughts I was not comforted, I was accused and disgraced, my own mind betraying me. My partner left, without a word, not in the moment at least. I knew he was gonna leave, he was too smart for me anyways, maybe she played a part in it too. I don’t know but the fact stands that I did not impress. I feel ashamed, disgusted, and hurt. I hurt. It hurts. My friend the only one I have here, is nice, is smart, is confident, and I’m the shadow… she walked in on us yesterday, I don’t really know if I noticed or not but I know he did, and he did not like it, which I understand, but it still hurts. How I was actually dumb enough to reveal my hurt to him, and asked the burning question. The question was on my mind since he left me in a hurry, in the sad cold basement, leaving me with my own disgusting thoughts. I asked “was I good” and the response was positive a little awkward but positive I guess. I dont believe it ofcourse, I mean why would I. I won’t be hearing from him again either, I asked that same question of my previous partner too and his response was positive too, but I don’t believe it. I’m ashamed of the fact that I actually thought I was worth something, I’m nothing compared to other people. Just a shell with no real goals nothing to her name, and nothing significant in her future. Do you think I’m the first to write my thoughts in here? I don’t think so, and the best part about this is that I’m still overthinking everything. This is dumb writing this down is dumb. This will just be a reminder of how dumb and retarded my mind can get. Ha ha what a clown I am indeed.
He texted her, he slept with me but texted my best friend on the next day. Ha ha ha a clown for sure. This was a fling, it wasn’t serious, no commitments or promises were established, but I’m still hurt. I’m slowly destroying myself, this is how my gonna feel for a while. I’m getting into bad habits, I’m probably gonna starve myself now, of attention, of love and of food. I’m fat and ugly but atleast one of those things could be improved, if I get skinnier I might seem more pretty, if I get skinnier maybe my one night stands would text me on the next day. I don’t know, I don’t know where my mind is taking me but it is not pleasant. I read romance novels, I love those books. Some believe that I don’t believe in love, but I do, I certainly hope i do. However not for myself, because in the end I’ll get cheated on or worse just ignored. I don’t like that, I don’t like that I can’t read peoples minds on what they are thinking of me. Most of the time I push these emotions aside and they almost never reach the surface of my consciousness, but now they’re here, and I’m hurt. I’m so unbelievably hurt that it actually hurts to think about. I don’t want to sound psychotic, and no one else will read this but it hurts that I was not chosen, that I was left on delivered and forced to delete the chat just to make myself feel better. Why do I have to be the one to do this, is my appearance and mind that unattractive. But honestly it’s my fault, for asking unattractive questions when they were not needed, for depending on my friend to get some dick, and for oversharing all the time. Did he tell us about his adventures? No he did not because it was not important. He barely talked to me after the deed was done, and I was too high to notice that he was not interested at all. Ha ha ha what a clown I am. My appearance is a joke, my mind is a joke.
It’s been a day, and it still hurts. An entire day and the only thing I felt was hurt, she felt bad, physically bad and now all our conversations are about her. Everything is about her, and I let it be, because that’s much better than for her to know what I think. I don’t like anyone knowing this vulnerability I have. I don’t like it. And it still hurts, why can’t just somebody force me into opening up? Is everyone around me indifferent? Or are they just clueless, do they see me? Do they really? I don’t know at this point, I’m hurt. And then all comes back to, am I really that ugly? Am I really that fat? I don’t deserve anyone anyways. I really wanted to sit for 30 minutes and listen to music, I just wanted to succumb to my thoughts and maybe convince myself that it’s not me it’s them. But 30 minutes of her and only her. I’m tired now, I just want to go home and cry. I want to just go home and listen to music and cry, but I know that’s not gonna happen. I’m probably just gonna sleep Instead of wallowing in my own self pity. It is probably pity I’m feeling right not, can you believe it, I’m actually pitiful. Actually, I was thinking of telling one of my closest friends about this, I thought she might be able to just listen and hear me. But I don’t need that, I need peace and quiet, I need me and my pitiful self to change. Physically and emotionally, but for now I think I’m just gonna destroy myself further. I think I like this, I’m hurt and I like it, I hate myself for this and for other things too, but the hurt, the hurt is nice, it’s soothing and painful at the same time. Isn’t it funny how this started? I started with nothing but hurt clouding my judgement and self awareness, and now I like it, I need this. No one might understand, but what’s another pitiful soul to the rest of the world. I’m just dust compared to everything, nothing and that’s okay. I don’t need to be anything to anyone, I just need pain to fill the empty thing that is beating inside me.
351,617 is a big number I can see that myself, but I don’t really care for the number I care for how it changes, will it increase when he snaps back or will it increase without me getting my closure. I can’t believe I’m still stuck on this, but I think the fact that he left me there on my own, in that dark basement without explanations is what annoys me. I might have overshared, I might have been bad at sex but did I really deserve that? Was I so unworthy that he had to bail, had to make up an excuse and leave…
He might actually find the pity in him to snap back tomorrow, but you know what I’m just gonna forget, I’m just not going to reply I’m just gonna escape into my mind again, like I always do, like how I’ve been taught to do. When things get tough it’s better to escape the fire than to jump into it is what I think and I don’t like being burned, I’d rather feel like I burned them so I promise to not snap back, I promise to forget, and I promise that this is the end of my summer experiments.
I promise that my mind will change and I know this will not be the last person I sleep with, it hurt and by tomorrow morning I’ll have new problems to deal with, by next year I’ll probably experience this pain a few more times. And I really do hope that someone one sees me one day, actually sees me, before it’s too late, before I decide that I’m done, before I truly loose all my worth.
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