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To Misty and Sweetie;
Sweetie when I found out that you were suffering. I was scared, all I wanted was for you to be okay to get better. But you never did because my parents didn't want to try to help you. So you died, and that morning, when you did, I wasn't sad. I didn't cry until months later.
I love you
Misty when you had lost your sister I knew how lonely you were. So I did everything to be there with you. Eventually, I had to deal with school and all kinds of life. So I became distant from you. But I tried to be there when I found out you were in pain. You were getting old my mom said. So we tried to make your life easier so that you could live out your last days comfortably. You died in the morning just like your sister. And I cried only a few days after.
I love you
To my siblings;
My big sister, it is hard for me to write this. Because I don't know what to write. I love you even when you couldn't bring yourself to love me. I remember when I was so scared of you hating me that I tried everything for you to love me. But you refused to say, you were a teenager and now I am too. I understand why now.
I found out about what you were doing to yourself. I saw you doing it to yourself in the kitchen and I didn't stop you I just walked away and pretended to never have seen you.
I'm sorry
My biggest brother, I have always been afraid of you. You were loud and angry all of the time. But you aren't, you are human. You are damaged just like me. And I'm upset that I can't seem to be able to stay in a room with you yet. It's really not you, I need to be able to handle my emotions better so that I can be a better sibling to you. But I'm scared, after all of the fighting you've caused in this family it's scary to let you in. but I know deep inside my heart that I still love you as I did when I was little.
I'm sorry
My big brother, or should I say Mommy. I remember calling you that all the time when I was little. You always protected me from the harshness of life. When those girls locked me in their garage you were the one that came running to free me. I always felt like it was my fault for your hair loss. Whenever I see you I feel so guilty even when you said it wasn't me but my sister. I can't help but feel I was a problem for you. You took care of me and my sister when my parents didn't.
Thank you and I'm sorry.
To my parents;
This one is even harder to write because there is so much I want to say. But I'll try to keep it short. Mom, you are kind but also hurtful. Since I was little I barely saw you since you were in college. but out of nowhere you appear in my life, it took me a while to get used to you being around. But once I did you hurt me so much. The mental scars you've left me with can heal and they have. I still loved you even after you yelled at me. Because I knew you were in pain.
I love you
Dad, you are a funny guy to be around. I love the jokes you make even if I don't laugh. I'm afraid of you though, because you have left the biggest scar that still impacts my life. Something that won't heal, I am so afraid to speak to you but I try. I am always trying to get better so I can finally be able to go up to you and joke around like I always wanted to. You are a great dad, I know you are trying too.
I love you
To my friends that have and might leave me;
I am grateful that you stuck around with me. Even when I was a jerk to you you stuck around. Even when I was a pathetic loser you still stuck around. Even though you might have forgotten me or ended up not liking me. You once did, you once loved being around me and you always tried to check up on me before going to do what you needed to do. You may have left me, forgotten me. But I never did, I loved you and trusted you with all of my heart. I'm sorry that I was never enough to fill the void in your heart. But I'm happy that you found people that could.
Thank you
Finally, to me;
To my future, I hope that your relationships are doing better. That you are doing better. Did you ever learn to skate or learn to play the ukulele? Did you finish writing a book and make a hard copy of it to keep forever? So many questions I want to ask but the one real question I want to ask is, are you free? Did you finally follow the wish you have always wanted to come true? I wonder how it feels, does it feel like floating with the clouds? Or maybe like dancing with the flowers on that hill with the small cabin off in the distance. However it feels I can't wait to know.
To my past, I bet everything right now is confusing for you. Suddenly being, waking up to a world unknown to you. It's scary but exciting too. you are just a child unknown by the world, so have fun. Run with the wind like you always do. Make friends with it in fact, with nature. Let your imagination fill your void and never let yourself be alone. Because once you are alone all of it will crash down on yourself and you'll sink just like in water. Drowning, never being able to catch your breath. So instead make friends with the wind, close your eyes, and dream of your hill with the cabin and the flowers.
To my present, I don't have many words for you that aren't insults. I know you are trying but if you don't get up and do better. All of the people you love will get tired of waiting. They will leave you, abandon you. Do you think they are going to stay forever? The answer has always been in your heart you know they can't last forever. But you still keep them, hoping somehow they are going to appear real. They aren't there, you'll have to give up eventually. So why don't you let them stay in your cabin on the hill with the flowers? They'll wait for you there when your time has ended.
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