To the boy I once knew.

To be honest, I actually have no idea where to even begin..." Should this be an essay", "Should I tell our story", "Skip to the part where you destroyed every inch inside me?". Well, I guess I can start with how we became us. I do admit this section is almost like a blur to my mind, hiding away the fact that I even met you when I wish I didn't.

You were my best friend "guy-best friend" as they call it, she would always talk good about you, excited to see us finally become a couple. You and I were friends for a while due to meeting at my best friend's birthday party. everyone would always post you and talk so well about you.

I guess I could say it was because you were one of the "popular guys", even though I do admit, they only really liked you because you were rich and never really had any "rizz". I guess I could say, you developed feelings for me first when you started complimenting me and answering all of my snaps extremely quickly. I remember the first moment when I realized I had fallen for you...you sent me the longest essay I have ever seen, explaining how you are so grateful to have met me, and how beautiful I am. From that moment on, it wasn't the littlest feelings I had for you, I had fallen in love with you.

We always used to go to this one spot together, this "bridge", it was a very popular area because a biking trail was surrounded by it, so basically everyone would see us fully make out all the time. I would do anything to see you, I would bus there almost every week. I even would get off at the wrong stops by accident and would have to walk twenty minutes just to see you...this was because I wasn't too familiar with the busing system where the bridge was, lol. I told you everything about my life sitting under this bridge with you and explained to you all of my trauma and why I overthink..you seemed to care so much, well, as I thought...

Everything seemed so perfect..until it wasn't. The day my sister met you for the first time, she had an odd feeling about you. She noticed the behavior you had towards me: "telling me I had too many red flags", "would get annoyed at me, and leave me stranded", "would be careless whenever I cried", "constantly ignore my texts and calls" and finally, "have no affection towards me whatsoever". She would warn me about this behavior, but I of course brushed her off like it was nothing. I never realized this behavior until I saw it, punched at my face.

Continuing with the "bridge", this one time felt different. You forced me to give you head underneath this bridge, while people were watching. I truly felt uncomfortable and asked you: "Can we wait till the bikers pass by?" You were so eager and wanted it right then...so I gave in. As we finished and you walked me to the bus stop, you turned and told me something that I will never forget for how many years I live up to. "Jess, I have to tell you...this was all a bet". A BET? You are telling me, I was a bet? what was a bet? You explained further how you and your friends had this bet on who would get head first, and of course...you won. You broke up with me the next day, by text, while I was working.

Two weeks time, I was coming home from work...in the car with my dad blasting music, and all of a sudden I get a notification that you posted to Instagram. Of course, as any ex-girlfriend would be, I clicked on it. I. WAS. SCARRED. It was a photo of you, under an abandoned bridge captioning: "shit head game". To make things even worse, everyone knew I was your first kiss, first girlfriend, and even first head. You had over seven hundred followers at the time, on a public account. Your comments even contained how you have been having a "hot girl summer". I truly screamed when I saw this, shaking and texting my friend asking if he can ask her why he had posted this...when he knew I overthink and had really bad trauma. He explained to my friend how I needed to relax and stop being so annoying. I had no idea that the boy I loved did not care about my feelings whatsoever.

To be honest, I ignored all of the backlash I got and would constantly send you paragraphs, saying how much I cared about you. It was so embarrassing for me, you did not even go out of your way to respond to my messages and would laugh about it with your friends. I would constantly get snaps of you from your friend's phone saying how much you "missed me" sarcastically.

Two months go by, I do admit I was really healing. Most of the backlash has stopped and I was living my life to the fullest: "getting my nails done", "going out to parties" and truly, so much more. Suddenly, I get another notification surrounding you. You had added me on Snapchat after not having contact with you in months. My dumbass accepts it, thinking you were going to apologize. You start off strong, snapping me photos of your wall, lol. Until I get the nerve to ask you (my biggest regret)..." Hey, why did you add me back?". You explained drily, how you were just "bored"...So I asked you, "By the way, why did you truly break up with me?...you never gave me a real reason". I do admit had never been more verbally attacked in my life, you told me: "how annoying I was", "how crazy I am for overthinking", and "I'm so stupid and a mess for crying about everything" and blamed all of my own insecurities on myself. I called you immature and broke down. You insisted that I should just block you because I'm too "psychotic" to be around. So I did. A couple of days go by, and one of my friends texted me saying how she saw you add me on snap, it was a joke with your friends doing it to see how I would "beg for you back". You guys were all laughing about it too.

You began to play the victim: telling all of my friends that I am such a "liar" and "too crazy" to be around. I lost a lot of my friends in that era, and to this day, they still believe your lies about me.

You would constantly follow me, and unfollow me to play with my feelings...I guess so I would never forget you. Another two months go by, and it's New Year's Day...well, gonna be January 2nd anytime soon. I was walking into my kitchen to get a glass of water (because cold water hits at 11:40 pm, lol). You guessed it, another notification...but not from you. It was anonymous; "Hey Jess, I know I don't know you well but you seem like a genuine person, so I thought I tell you what your ex-boyfriend has been saying about you...". A list was provided, "Jess used teeth", "Jess gave me the biggest case of blue balls to ever exist", "had the worst experience with Jess", "Jess is psychotic", "Jess is..." "is...." "....", and. so. much. more. The anonymous person even told me that no one would ever want to date me again because of this. I truly felt unloveable.

From that moment on, I truly cut you out of my life. I would stop responding to the backlash, ignored the "no caller id" calls, and would stop crying to my friends about you. This seemed to have affected you as when I saw you for the first time since we broke up a few months ago...your eyes turned bloodshot, while your friends began caressing you.

I do admit, I will never love someone like I loved you again, as you traumatized me more than I ever was. But I did learn a major lesson from you. A lesson to never be forgotten.

I hate you, but I guess I can say...I'll always love the old you. To the man you once wore, I miss you...I miss US.

From: The girl who healed.