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I am 23 years old female from Greece and I'm still a virgin. I have some mental illnesses and very bad anxiety attacks to the point that I take xanax for it. I used to selfharm, attempted suicide as well but when I first visit my psychologists it didn't help much at first so now I am visiting a psychiatrist and he really helped me...The thing is that aside all that stuff..People consider me beautiful and talented and funny and kind and everyone pretty much likes me a lot when they get to know me but.. I cannot find someone that likes me romantically.. Everyone friendzones or ignores me or use me for nudes etc. I play a lot of online games and I have a lot of online friends(even had Internet relationships like, edating) but in real life no one likes me even tho everyone around me even strangers compliment me all the time. The truth is I am a bit chubby but still I do not consider myself ugly...Yet again guys always like my friends never me. I am always the "Oh my god, you feel like a sister to me and I love you a lot" or "You are such a good friend" they DO NOT see me as a woman , not romantically no nothing, I am always everyone's second option. Yet again I acknowledge my positive traits and I know I am attractive, it took me a long while to finally have confidence and of course not overdoing it. But I'm actually going crazy I don't know what to do, I wanna feel love, I wanna feel romance , I want to be loved by a guy or to be cared about from someone... I am gonna add that there are elements of childhood trauma in some of my writing but I worked on it a lot and it's not like I was love deprived as a kid and I'm missing it, it's just the romance part, the finding myself someone part that concerns my mind and my heart. I am feeling so lonely. Sometimes it's unbearable ,I cry but I've cried so many times my tears are dry.. I am thinking maybe I need to loose weight maybe then I'll be even more attractive and guys will want to date me but loosing weight is so difficult for me I've been trying and battling about it for many years to the point that I don't care about weight anymore, I am tired of it. Also I will add that I don't have a type in guys like, I don't mind how they look it's just their inside that matters for me yet it is still difficult to find someone. No one likes me like that...I just think sometimes am I not pretty enough? What should I do. It's depressing.I used to date a guy when I was 18 but he was 24 and was trying to rush stuff like erotically he even made me do something I didn't want to it was my first sexual experience just a blowjob but after a few days I broke up with him because I felt pressure...I wanna do what other girls my age do, go on dates with guys, feel their cheeks flush and their stomach tighten, feel the warmth of another person again, the love , the adrenaline, the passion, everything... I feel like I will stay a virgin my whole life and I am scared of it..
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Consider this;
Family members, friends, neighbors, and teachers began labeling us starting at an early age. This continues to this day and along the way we accept and adopt some of these descriptions – I am pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, clumsy, athletic, smart, stupid, rude, sensitive, perceptive, naive, sad, serious, cautious, reckless, emotional, etc... We began seeing ourselves as this defined limited character (a separate self) and our thoughts and behaviors are consistent with this idea. Our ‘separate self’ character feels incomplete and imperfect and wants to get what is missing while getting rid of problem areas.
When the unwanted happens to us or the preferred does not and every time our effort to fix ourselves fail, we suffer. It comes in the form of agitation, irritation, boredom, disappointment, regret, jealousy, anxiety, depression, fear, loneliness, anger, grief, pain, or some other unwelcomed feeling or sensation.
Each of us are self-aware to an extent but when this knowledge is not clear, our true nature is hidden. A close look reveals that the most common element found in every one of my experiences is my presence – ‘I am there’. When I am sad, I am present there. When I am happy, I am present there. When I am scared, I am present there. When I am in love, I am present there. When I am lonely, I am present there. I AM always present AWARENESS without shape, size, age, race, gender, weaknesses, needs, or demands. As undefinable unlimited AWARENESS, I can’t be harmed and, therefore, resists nothing.
The dance of creation is all of GOD’s creatures just experiencing each other and surrounding things. Animals do what they must and then enjoy their down time moments or sleep. After handling our obligations, instead of enjoying ourselves, we usually try to make our current situation different / better than it is or waste time wishing this was so. We attempt to acquire and secure preferred objects, circumstances, wealth, activities, and / or RELATIONSHIPS, expecting them to deliver lasting peace, love, and happiness. Any satisfaction that results from these efforts will be temporary. I finally realize that these coveted feelings are not earned, produced, provided, achieved, or possessed. Peace, love, and happiness have always been and will always be our essential nature. They shine through our being and energize our actions when we see clearly.
We really don't have a life to live as we choose. LIFE has us. Each of us is what LIFE is doing where we are right now. Every encounter we have is an opportunity to go with (and not resist) ITS flow. When we give up on this false sense of control, and just let it be what it is, LIFE can better use our presence to bring more light and love into this world. Thats when the fun begins!
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