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From the shadows we come and from the shadows we return. From the shadow of silence I watch. I watch as the world turns, I watch as days go by, silent as I am. Unaware of the reasons unaware of the why’s, from the shadows life goes by. The hurt and the pain is endured and yet the silence remains ever steady and ever present. Through the windows of life I watch not knowing how things work left behind in hurt guilt and shame. As hands and knees turn to running and hugs the world moves on yet more hurt returns. The light that I am hidden in the shadows dims away to nothing but a spark and shame and regret sets in again. I watch, able to shine through only a few moments, still without a sound but powerful in the moment. Life goes on, an “I”emerges still silent and in the shadows now aware of its existence, fear has gripped tight in every aspect of hope. In the shadows “I“ remains silent. I watch and I wish yet life continues on, continuing on a journey of unknowns alone, scared,doubtful, untrusting of the screen that plays. Though heart is true the play plays out untrue to script. Frustration grips every second mirrored life sets in. Damage to the the projector causes the ill will and pain. Nobel intention turns to failure from the narrative in the hum of intentions of born truths. The light that I am now but a pin hole in the darkness goes to sleep. The voice and the feeling drive on only to leave once evil is done, left alone again not knowing why or how could’ve this happen. Again alone the voice from nowhere drive on, false hopes and promises of a broken heart fail time and time again. The movie plays on. Deeper into sleep I try to go to escape what can’t be told, to run from what’s been done. Hate of the void drive the flow of life insane with… GO AWAY!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! PLEASE GOD STOP!!! Screaming and flailing at nothingness only to have nothing returned. Hope, love, ambition, respect, joy, all the greatness of the play has gone. Perspective changes and the view drops. No longer can other windows be viewed. The path of the character is all that plays. Though the character changes with time I do not. Trapped in weighted chains and bound by the silence I awaken from time to time a few times of good fortune and a lifetime of nightmares. Finally a voice from within escapes… “Please help!, I need help! Something isn’t right!, I plead to the source from where I came. A deaf ear and a blind eye is all that is returned. The legion of doubts with claws of abandonment snuff the fight out in an instant. Without the fight, without the fire, ending the movie is all that’s left. Yet trapped by fear and uncertainty, desperation continues to plague the sanctuary of souls driving through the protection of hope and love. The concept of no more cripple my resolve, stains my intentions, and has rotted away from within all that once was. End it plays on repeat forever in silence. How I miss the silence of silence. Forgetting and self destructing degradation is all I know. Even in the brightest of hope and light I slip into shadow desperately seeking the exit. A gentle hand and kind soul one day finds my eye again a glint of hope and joy finds a way through the darkness. Fleeting moments are stained by forgotten hurts. The screen never stops. At least not when I want it to. Unable to run, unable to hide, the hurt and pain that once was there seeps from the depths of darkness. Unable to stop the play from moving forward I endure the destruction of my haven. Again the whys and shame and fears grip tighter than ever allowing this death within to pour forth. Broken and weak the fight within starts to remember but I lose focus and slip away again and again still stuck observing the chaos and pain caused unable to get through. Finally the end is all I seek and cast aside the beauty that has been placed before me. The I had given up knowing what is to come. Fate is a funny thing, we don’t know what it is or where it comes from or why it appears when it does but, hope and peace in the form of a different silence overcomes all that plays in the background. I start to remember. The fire has been lit again, the fight has rekindled that light that once was and like the dying of a brilliant sun collapsing on itself a shockwave hits every corner of my being. Casting out the darkness and on the screen the last bit of darkness dissipates into nothing. Finally a glimpse into what should be. Only with that gentle smile of one who loves without return am I pulled from my mind for the first time. Now able to distinguish between what is and what can’t be. Able to differentiate between the prison I built for myself and true freedom of choice. I struggle with what was fight it’s way to my heart, not again I cry and plead guilty of all that has come to pass willing and able to face my own fears, goodbye sorrow take the shame and regret with you. Return as many times a you wish I welcome you with love and understanding but you have no place in my sanctuary I see you for what you are now. How simple and complex you have become. I give you forgiveness instead of hate, love instead dismissal, compassion instead of anger. I embrace the darkness that I have created. Come my old friend let us be as one so you too are of my creation and I wish to be there for you when I wouldn’t or couldn’t be. It was you who kept getting left in the darkness being only feed the filth of life I could not handle and even the creation of nothing can take only so much. To my shadow of this world I embrace you till we are one again no enemies but brothers walking towards the lite hand and hand together no separate
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