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my spiraling thoughts of self-hatred continue to eat me alive teehee. sometimes i come into work and wonder why im still here. then my manager talks to me and asks me questions i struggle to answer and i wonder why im such an idiot. my brain doesnt even work. people talk at me and i cant even properly comprehend what they are asking me. im just empty-headed. sometimes i wish i had a proper diagnosis cause this cannot be normal. i have to have something wrong with me mentally. i already know i have mdd and social anxiety but i have to be autistic too or something. idk how ive made it this far in life. i wanna go home and eat my feelings but i dont even feel like doing that. it wont make me feel any better. ill just feel like a gross piece of garbage. i dont want to shower either. i dont want to do anything anymore. my job makes me sad. waking up makes me sad. remembering that people perceive me (probably as a depressed moron) makes me sad. idk what i did to make my manager not like me. it feels like he doesnt. either that or he just really doesnt know how to be personable with me. either way it hurts. makes me feel like its my fault, it is because of how i am. how i am is wrong and broken. thats ok ig. ill continue to feel like this for a little bit and then i will feel better later. hopefully. bu t it doesnt help to feel this way now. imma go home and cry a little. let out some energy and emotions
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Hey — hope you're feeling better.
It's not easy for many of us to fit in our workplace when we have other issues going on in our everyday life. We're not just wanting to do our jobs but to also build a rapport with coworkers and managers, who sometimes can make us feel more alone if any of our vulnerabilities are shown to them.
Taking time to say the best response that doesn't come out so clear, feeling alienated at work because I feel less competent than them, not wanting to take care of myself — I've been there (and I'm technically still here).
I don't have much to say in response that could help, as I'm learning this myself, but all I can say is that you are not alone and I'm rooting for you. Take heart. There is a reason why you were hired; someone there believes in you. And though it won't be an overnight change, you can come to believe in yourself to stand regardless of your flaws.
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