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and i'm starting to realize i'm not a good person. not anymore. i came up with this "j" character yesterday. because the person j is based off of seems so much like me.
part 1: j
Jemma is the actual person. and a few days ago she came back from almost no where, and i thought it was funny. but it's not that funny. you're broken, like me. 9 months later and you we're reliving everything in silence, atleast that's what you said. that's what I think
j is the character. j is the idea that you would have shown up right in front of me and slowly, but surely opened up to me. because i am a factor that you probably don't even know about. i don't care that you don't know about me. i know enough about you to think that i understand.
j is the idea that we would've become friends, until you realized how i'm related to that october incident. j is the idea that I would be the level-headed one. I understand your pain. I can help you. and i do help you, because you should be loved. j is the idea that i show you that love, and that broken people like us can surely heal.
part 2: october
october is the second character. well, not really a character, more of the exposition. october caught me, somehow. the way it might've caught j, but the difference is that october passed you by and absorbed me almost entirely. i am still absorbed almost entirely. the only thing keeping me from drowning in it's windy weather and cold dampness is the hope that one day i too will see the sun the way everyone else does.
the month is july. 13 days later the month will be august. despite everything, october's grip tightens around me and threatens to bring me to another state of evolution. not particularly, i devolve more than i evolve. my voice cracks and i shrink into the cold dampness.
part 3: could have
could have is the third character. i don't have much to say about her. she's essentially the more less mysterious yet also less depressing j. i'm a little mad when i see you and what you do to yourself.
part 4: to you
i'm not a good person. even if we likely don't have anything in common, i think jemma would understand. i wish i could speak to you one time. i wish i could understand why and what you think. i wish that maybe if i see you, we'll reflect the bad, bad parts of each other and start to understand. 9 months is a long time. i wish you everything, even when i relate to you so well yet think i deserve nothing. but maybe i dont. jemma, there's many differences between us, but one thing that really pulls us apart is that you might be healing. i know i'm not.
i'm just like you, jemma. may you never know me.
part 5: why
i want to know so much about jemma. i want to know so much about october. i'm so so deeply attached. i can spend hours just trying to find you, as i've done with him, as i've done with that girl from another story way before. i can't help it, i don't know why. each passing year i grow more and more desperate and my thoughts play every action and word on repeat. i'm so terribly, unhealthily obsessed with the people i meet and it hurts after so long. letting everyone know for so long. i don't know who i am, because i don't want to think of how my obsessions impact my identity. if i do, i'll become so ashamed and i'll only wish that i disappear completely.
i want to be normal. i want to have hobbies, and study, and have friends, and not take things so seriously. but every nerve and bone in my body is working against me.
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