relapse

I am going to relapse tomorrow, shortly after I get home from my vacation. I am going to relapse. I need to relapse.

I am going to be mere hours off of reaching 5 months clean if I relapse tomorrow, but somehow I think it's better this way. Not being able to say I've been 5 months clean makes it less difficult to admit defeat.

The other day, one of my family members killed himself. Today, I learned of how overwhelmed my boyfriend has been by various things (one of the things he listed "holding down a relationship", I found that wording weird. Like he has to hold it down, like I'm going to go anywhere) And the past couple weeks I have simply been depressed. It's weird to feel now because my life since March has been amazing. The best it's been since I was a little kid. The longest I've ever gone sober from self-harm is probably 2 months until this year. But now I'm crashing. The high is coming to an end.

And now, now I need to relapse. And it'd going to be awful once my boyfriend realizes I have fresh cuts on my thighs, but that I can at least hold off for a little while until it's at a healed enough point that I don't care if he sees it.