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Time to panic over my future again. Time really flows fast huh. I could've sworn it was only yesterday I was sitting in my kindergarten class.
Yet here I am, messaging my sister in college who's in her first job. Here I am enjoying my last month with my brother before he leaves for college too. Here I am panicking over school starting again so soon. I'm scared.. going to college after school is the obvious option and the road I want to take. But I don't know what to do.
It's normal.. right? For a teenager to not know what they want to do for the rest of their life? They tell me to just "follow my heart" and do what I want.. yet I can feel my parents getting anxious and impatient too. They say it's no big deal if I don't choose soon.. but I know how much time and money is on the stake.
Every job that pays a decent amount of money that's required to live a decent life.. I just can't imagine myself doing it. But I don't think I can just pursue some foolish childhood dream either. It's a luxury to worry about whether I'll enjoy my job or not, I know. But I can't help it.
Last school year felt like torture for me.. the thought of school starting makes me want to just crawl into a hole and hide forever. I'm scared that I'll fall to my lowest point. Pursuing a major I don't want on top of that.. I don't know if I can handle it.
I know I should be putting in more effort trying to find out what I want, exploring, researching.. but I'm just so lost right now. I feel like just crying out of frustration.
Dear school.. I genuinely hate you. I appreciate the education you give us.. but not all the mental problems that come with it. Not all the time I spend bent over papers.. not all the time I spent watching my siblings do the same.
Damn.. if only I could just.. take my family and disconnect from society. Go live in the forest or something. Sell some crops occasionally. Otherwise just build my own house and whatever. Or find a cave to call home. Die of an infection. Whatever. That'd be better than slaving away out here..
Sorry.. I should be researching right now, not ranting useless things. It's just.. frustrating. It feels like there's no place for someone like me. Or rather the things I value aren't considered valuable by everyone else.
Counting down the days to school feels like counting down the seconds of a bomb...
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