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July 22nd Saturday 2023 20:45 - the day I was relieved from my shackles. (Just here to relieve stress, I’ll be fine tomorrow)
A life flashes before my eyes:it is a fantasy - a fantasy that will now almost never come true, but I am not devastated by it. In fact, it intrigues me about why this scenario came to fruition, and for what would have been required for another to occur instead.
I think back to 7 years ago when it all started, up until the present day. It doesn’t take long, because all the memories blur together, as though they happened one right after the other. Perhaps if I did something differently things would’ve been different. Obviously. But it is impossible to say it certainly would’ve changed the outcome, since this was a decision that was not made by me, but by somebody else. It gets me wondering, what can we do to change something that is not ours forever? It seems impossible. So maybe the outcome would still be the same. I try to put myself in their shoes but as myself - I still cannot think of a way. Sure, when I think of her saying those words to me I instantly agree and follow it up, showing how I feel the same way, but when it is someone else, my response is the same as hers to me. It is such a peculiar thing that I can’t comprehend, such is love.
Why not me? Why him? Why her? Why not someone else? The simplest explanation I can think of is that it depends on who would make you happiest, but I know that it is wrong. It seems too simple. I want to deny it, but my mind tells me nothing else that suffices, and I begrudgingly stick with it. I’m annoyed because with this explanation, I’m the one who isn’t good enough as a person to make her truly happy, when she is for me. I’m the one who is unable to pay off the kindness properly, and when I’m there, although it is fun, to her, there is perhaps someone else that she would rather spend her time with. It makes me feel guilty that I am wasting her time, even though I know that is not on her mind, which makes me feel more guilt. A guilt that I am not able to enjoy myself as much as she is. Suddenly, I am the one who thinks that I am not having fun, wasting time and loading up with guilt. All because I don’t know what she is thinking, what everyone else is thinking.
I realise that this is my problem. It is a deep one that I have to solve just like an escape room, except the key is already in place at the door. It’s just unturnable, not because the lock is rusty or the door is wedged or in fact any mistake in the physical entities, but only because my hands are too scared to turn the key because I have no idea what is behind it. My heart burns as I write this, maybe because it is true, maybe because I am dealing with an aftershock of an hour ago. I don’t want to leave the room. It’s cold and dark outside, there are no sounds from outside either, so I’d be alone. However, there are no windows showing the outside from the room I am in. The room itself is soundproof. There is no one in the room with me.
I then think to my response to her decision. Was it okay? Did I cause her any negativity? I don’t want her to feel sorry or to feel debt or anything of the sort. I just want her to go on a live normally, but in a better way, since I want it to give her positive emotions. But I feel like I can’t give her that, because my mind instantly floats to negativity, that I might’ve stressed her out or caused her annoyance or made her overthink. And so I feel like I can’t live with myself. I hate that feeling, so I can’t open that door.
It puts me in a dilemma. Do I continue to express my feelings so that they may cause positivity or do I hide away so that she can forget the negativity attached? But then, if there’s positivity attached, wouldn’t that cause more negativity? The situation becomes too complex that I do not change. My heart is burning more so it knows that it is true. I hate that it burned. The truth is not easy to take. Fantasies are better in that sense.
Maybe my lax responses in the situation were my genuine thoughts; maybe they were a defensive mechanism to get out of there as quickly as possible to try to hide my negativity from her, fearing that I could spread. Maybe that’s why I put so many emojis and stickers afterwards. To show her that I am fine. My genuine response is to try to make sure that she is happy, and to hear that she has someone else does make me happy, because it shows she is finding happiness. But to try and prevent negativity, I shut myself out with feigned laughter. It’s best to keep it to myself. It’s not my fault, but the guilt is there. My heart burns.
I said an hour and a half ago I broke free from my shackles. They were never shackles in the first place. It was a room with a key. The key was half turned, then I closed it again. That is what I realised when writing this piece. I want to be truly happy, but I can’t right now. Not after that. I want to continue pursuing that fantasy, but the guilt of potentially causing negativity eats me up. I’m human though, I’m selfish. I need to move on. I can’t. I can’t. I need help to escape my fantastical nightmare. Please, I can’t do it myself.
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That was painful and beautiful. I hope that the nightmare passes and your dreams can become easier to grasp. I don't know what you're going through exactly but i feel like you were reading a page from my book.
Be well.
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