Online Love

Nowadays, love can be very complicated. Poeple make it this way, but some others choose to just make their life a bit less easy by choosing to love someone ONLINE.

You really cant contral your feelings. Once you like someone, its over. But you have to make sure your emotions dont get too overweling. It is important to know your own worth and what youre capable of, never let someone else define that. I loved a person that lived far away from me once, and still do, although i keep denying it... You can easily make your brain believe something, but your heart will never get fooled from your silly excuses. Im so tired of making people(along with myself) believe that im over him and needless to say that i use the worst ways to cope. Ex: going with other people for fun that are way older than me, desperately searching for love and attention, keep going back to the old stuff and manipulating myself into thinking that he did love me. All these have caused me several mental problems and fears like abandoment issues. Abandonment issues to the point that ill have a full on panic attack almost unalaving myself each time, draining the color off of my face, its all what he has done to me. Have i talked to him aout it? NO. Will i ever do it? Absoloutely not. Because im scared hell abandon me again. In a few days it will be a year since we first were together (were friends now) and im still not over him, regardless the shit he has caused.

THIS IS WHERE OUR STORY BEGINS:

MARCH 2022: I met a girl on roblox named Pey, Pey was his friend and ik met him like once or twice in-game but never really had the chance to talk to him. After a while, i met another girl Mika. She was Fernands friend and also knew Pey. I got to talk w mika and she was overall a very nice person and were still in touch to this day. But now, one day Pey had to leave the game and left me and Fernand alone (at this point we had already played together a couple times). I believe it was about June then. Previously that year, i ahd a really bad fight with my bsf and my cousin which was also her bsf, and sine i was very close with both of them i wasnt in my best, it was like loosing the most important people in my life. Then that day that me and fer played together, i started crying about my life problems to him and the whole situation with my cousin and my bsf, i was crying for a whole 2 hours until we decided it was best for me to take a break. At that point i had already asked Fernand for his DC but he just wasnt giving it to me. A few days later, i met Fernands irl bsf Max. He was definatelly... something. Lets just say that our first time meeting didnt go very well and we just ended up fighting about gay rights. A few weeks later though i met Max again, and he just didnt seem to remeber me, so i just took that as an oportunity to get to know him (i never told him i was the girl he had a full on heated arguement with until two days ago but he didnt seem to care anyways). After gatting to know him, i asked for his DC, which he surprisingly gave me right away. We did a face rev and a day after, he made a a groupchat with me him and Fernand (after alot of begging). We all started calling every day and it was so fun. A month passed and it was now early july, Fernand added me in a groupchat with 5 other people. Him, Max, Aphro, Dani and... MIKA! It was honestly such a surprise seeing her. (Mika and Aphro are greeks, Dani is from Jordan and Max and Fer are from Belgium) Me and Fer were playing much more often that i was with the other kids, but honestly i didnt mind us having some time alone together, thats because i was already starting to develop feelings for him. But during this time, i was still not well. Every night i would cry to him and talk to him about my problems, he would listen to me for hours going on and on about what was bothering me in life, i ahd someone that finally felt like was caring for me. On the 29th of July, i asked him to be with my bf, and he agreed but thats where things started to go downhill. Fights would ofet happen and he would create massive drama in the groupchat. Not a single day would pass without us fighting all the time. The groupchat was slowly falling apart.. Dani was not online at all and Aphro was nowhere to be seen. Mika tried to stop communicating multiple times and same thing was for Max. When i first entered the gc, Mika was with Dani but later on they broke up since they claimed they lost feelings, and soon after Mika was with Max but they broke up two months later. Me and Fernand broke up in the 2nd of October, which is a significant date since the exact next day was boyfriends day. I was heartbroken, i didnt break up with him because i lost feelings, no. It was because i couldnt bare the fighting and the whole drama that was created because of our tension. A month after that, everyone left the gc after we realised that there was no future in it. I, myself didnt speak with Fer and Max that much, one day though, a bit before new years eve i snapped and decided to ask fernand if he ever even loved me. "No, i never did."... The most hurtfull words ive ever heard ringed through my ears as the world around me started to fade, and my heart was feeling shattered. I swear ive never bloked a person this fast in my life, i was devastated but at that point it wasnt saddness, i had already felt enough of that. It was rage. Just pure rage comming out of me. Max unfriended me from every social soon after. After that, i thought i was doing better, not talking to them anymore, until i wasnt. I wasnt okay, things at school started being though because of this, even the teachers started to worry about me and my sudden change in behaviour. In March 2023 i had the biggest mental breakdown ever, it was a panic attack, the worst one ever, im not going to get into details because it might be too disturbing but (TW) i almost took my life that night, while trying to choke myself. People just didnt see that i wasnt doing okay though.. they thought i was lying about the panic attacks, even my parents didnt believe me, my psycologist either. That April, a week brefore Easter i decided to do the unthinkable and contact Fer again. After that panic attack, all i wanted to do was talk to him. Mika helped me and it sure was akward but i did it. Aura though, Fers friend got a bit in the way... but shes a whole another topic helself. After my first ever contact with fer after MONTHS, i did it, i made the GC again. Although this time it didnt last more than 78 hours. Dani said he didnt want to be broken again and decided to leave, so did everyone else. I felt stupid, but my feelings just got too overwelming. I thought i would be able do make it, but thats what people with big fantasy like me get. Max told me that we simply cannot keep contact and that people move on eventually. I didnt want to believe it. I begged again and again for Fer and Max not to unfriend me again, and they didnt. After a talk with Fer, he said he wouldnt unadd me in the ocasion that i would not text him too often. I agreed of course, thinking it would be smt hard but i just ended up not texting them again exept from a couple times that Fer send me messages and i found it rude not to reply since i was the one hat begged them to stay in the first place. (That time i thought i had lost feelings but i guess it wasnt completely true). Needless to say that in easter although we did call,he didnt speak to me or show him fae on camera, dk why tbh. But one day he send me a tiktok, and i didnt think much of it, i didnt even watch it THE OTHER DAY THOUGH while i was chilling on my laptop watching some youtube, discord started ringing. "Huh? Whos calling?" I started at my screen in shock. It was him! He was calling.. I stared at my screen in shock as my laptop was ringing. After it stopped, i was still in shock but before i could even comperhead what was going on, i recieved another call from... a groupchat. A groupchat with me, Max and Fer... Like the first one we made exacly a year ago! It was crazy.. i picked it up. HE WAS TALKING LIKE NEVER ANYTHING HAPPENED. Although i was mad though, i couldnt maintain my surprise and happines we talked for hours... was i dreaming??? Fast forward to this day, we still talk and actually every single day. Hes less of a jerk than he was before (kinda)and well Max... hes Max. Im overprotective though, and get very jelous when he talks to other girls but thats something i still need to work on.. but... whats gonna happed if he leaves me again?

!THE LOOP!

Dont destroy yourself kids.. its not worth it.

And altough ill keep saying im over him, there will always be a spark inside of me decicated to him. He manipulated me multiple times and since i was so in love, i thought he was joking... little did i know that all those "I love you" 's were fake.. Also since i had an online bf, i was being made fun of most of the time but still didnt care.

Why do i still love him and care about him?