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I have a strange problem in that everytime anyone asks me about my identity I just instinctively out myself?? Someone will ask me and the obvious solution to this whole "not wanting to be out because I'm scared" thing only works if I LIE like a normal person but I just make it obvious by saying something like "well...?" or "what do you think I am?" or "I'm just not going to answer the question" because I want to keep up some intrigue because I can't bear the idea of being seen as something other than who I am...at the same time, I'm also terrified of being assaulted or bullied in some way for who I am and unfortunately, being queer and being hated go hand in hand. I have to choose which matters more to me, and while I know realistically I should choose fear as my motivator because it'll keep me safe, I can't physically seem to bring myself to confirm any false ideas people may have about me. So I end up outing myself. Which is bad. How do I make lying come easier / more naturally to me?
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Lying about things isn't the answer. People won't hate you. Nobody is liked by everyone also and if someone wants to hate you that is their problem, just get on with your own business and leave those people alone. Also, Outing yourself as what? Because if it is something that is obvious just by looking at you then of course people are going to ask about it probably just trying to be polite to not offend you but also people are always going to be curious about other people sometimes. Your identity isn't the most important thing. You might benefit from getting off social media and trying to find a hobby or something to work towards that isn't to do with identity. I understand where you're coming from but this problem only goes away by being honest, lying will just make things worse.
ReplyI can see how you'd get stuck on this! It's instinctive for lying to be difficult, especially when you've likely done a lot of work (possibly quite proud of it, and I hope you are!) to be truly yourself and understand how you identify. You want to be able to just live as you are and share fully. In today's world, I can also see why you'd feel sharing your place in the community is a risk to your safety. I wish that wasn't the case. This might be a case-by-case, depending on the situation and setting you are in? For someone who you know enough about to judge and anticipate their intentions with the questioning and possible reactions, maybe you could casually mention and see what happens. For someone who you don't really know, strangers, sadly it may be a place where they don't need to know that about you, and rather than trying to lie in response, it's more that you change the subject or pivot. You aren't saying you'll never tell them, just on your own terms when you've determined it's safe. Another alternative is you are aware of your resources if you do choose to be out loud and proud -- who else is nearby, how can you get help, where is your exit option, etc. It sounds sad and annoying because it is. While not the same as those in the LGBTQAI+ sphere, there's something a little familiar with how women move about in the world in the sense of being cautious. Should I have to worry about it so much? No, ideally our society would evolve. But, do I still need to protect myself right now anyways? Yes, I do. I likely missed out on relationships or friendships out of fear, and many people don't make the choice I made and are totally fine and unharmed, but it's a personal gut choice I have to make day by day. For me, I practice how I will handle a situation. Different example -- When someone asks me about my scars, what will I say? When I don't have a prepared reaction, I say dumb stuff I then regret...lol. In the mirror or with friends, I can talk through what I'd be comfortable using as a deflector for those I'm not ready to tell the actual story (ie. my professional office colleagues!) Would be lit if I could just be honest and it'd be nbd. YEAH. But do I have to remember how things could land me in a trick situation, yep yep yep. It's a risk assessment. I'm sure this doesn't help but I do hope you keep being out and proud where you can, but find a way to feel as safe as you can these days. You've got us allies out here.
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