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Had a slew of medical complications throughout pregnancy and spent third trimester hosptalized. Then emergency C section and my daughter was born premie. She's two months old now and thriving, and I have never been so in love or happy to be a mother.
My misery is not stemming from being a mum, or the care I recieved. The doctors and midwives were amazing, and kind and compassionate. But lying there on that table unable to move feeling the tugging and cutting and pressure, and then being roughly jostled around and "squeezed like a tube of toothpaste" as the anesthesiologist described during surgery (daughter was higher up in my chest then they anticipated and they had to use more force to get her out)
They had to take her to care I glimpsed her once and didn't get to hold her.
As they were sewing me up I became distressed but held it in. The smell of my burning flesh from them sealing me I can still smell it and remain disturbed.
I would have leapt off the operating table and fled if I wasn't paralyzed from spinal.
I keep having nightmares, waking up with sleep paralysis still believing im in theatre. I wake up not remembering where I am thinking I'm still in a hospital room alone without my husband and baby.
I'm afraid to touch my belly or look at it I think it will rip open and my guts will fall out
I panic inside when my daughter kicks my belly at the changing table and try to ignore it
The pain is gone now but i can't feel my belly anymore because of the nerve damage, it feels numb.
The other night I asked my husband to check how the scar is healing, I laid down on the bed. He got some tweasers to pull a few stray ingrown hairs in the scar, and I had a panic attack felt like i couldn't breathe or move.
Husband said "it's okay. You can sit up. You can move. Sit up and look at your baby."
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