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I've recently left a relationship that I was in for almost 8 years. I was engaged to this man and I loved him with everything I had. I gave him every piece of me that I had available to give. After our engagement, the dynamic changed... He became cold and horribly mean, to the point of emotional and mental abuse. When I would try to reach out and let him know how he was hurting me, I was suddenly too emotional, the world had gotten too soft, I needed to get over it. Even after a surgery, same day, I caught him doing things he shouldn't have been, and then I was blamed because I was unavailable while healing... I remember laying in bed thinking I might as well be dead because I would be just as valued, but things would be more quiet, more peaceful.
But even after these thoughts, I stayed, because I loved him with all of me. Too much of me.
After a few years of this I've had enough. I told him I couldn't do this anymore so he told me to find some one that could treat me better. I've since left, and we've been separated for over a month now.
I've been doing therapy for years but now it's more intense. My finances are going wild. I'm always anxious and depressed. They've upped my meds, but that only works if I can remember to take them.
I was doing an exercise in a book titled Healing With Words by Rupi Kaur. These exercises can be obliterating, but a lot of things are when you have to rebuild yourself.
I started to reminisce on the most beautiful times... Lying together on a mattress on the floor, fresh white sheets, sunshine spilling in after feeling it on our faces wandering in the woods outside, lightly holding each other when it all first began. Lazy Sunday mornings, fresh from sex and breakfast, giggling and going over the week ahead. Brushing his golden blond hair from his eyes to show the most beautiful green speckled blue eyes that would gaze into my own.
This turned into hours of verbal attacks over things that had nothing to do with me.
This turned into me being a pussy, a bitch, some one with no action or drive. This turned into me being weak, while he was constantly under attack from the world and I was the only one available to blame. Morning before the sun would come up, I would be left crying in bed, and in the evening, begging for his touch, because it felt like forgiveness. But even that turned ugly. My stress turned into weight gain and acne, and I was now letting myself go. I would be told that even though I've let myself go, of course he still wanted to be physical; he's a man with needs. I should be happy to do this with him, because he "at least takes care" of himself.
Now, I'm sleeping in my best friend's guest room. I have my cat, which I am more than grateful for... Every time I sob, she's there. When I pray at night to be relieved of this, she's there. When I need her, she is there, and that is all I could ask for.
But it's nights like these where it doesn't feel like it's enough. I want those eyes to burn for me, I want to be swept up in his love. But he's not the same man, and I'm not the same woman... And everything hurts.
His eyes are still my favorite color.
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"e"
I just dream of you with me every night and all of these feelings continue to haunt me. Its been a week or two now,, And i know what we decided, i know it's bes...
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I'm so frustrated
In anger i've thrown everything in the floor. I live with my family. When they'll see it they will scold me for sure. I have a long distance bf . Yesterday...
Thank fuck you didn't marry him. He'd be even worse.
ReplyOh, absolutely. Shit still hurts tho
ReplyI am sorry for your loss. I hope you get the time you need to reconnect with yourself.
To see yourself, and fall in love, with your own eyes.
Reply