What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I’ve come to the realization of just how immature the world is.
If you think about it, almost everyone continues to work on themselves no matter their age, smartness, or something…
Perhaps the world isn’t perfect, and that’s perfect within itself.
Perhaps things are just supposed to be the way they are. Everything coexists, whether good or bad.
Christianity believes in a perfect heaven. Somewhere where there is no sin. But without sin how should we know what sin is?
Recently I’ve been thinking about becoming this new me. Thinking of conquering the edges and vastness of my insecurities, becoming this new, confident, girl who is irresistible to every living being.
Perhaps that’s just how desperate I am.
Because I lack that validation. I lack the feeling of security, the feeling of acceptance, the feeling that I am good enough. I work for others, I work because others will be disappointed if I don’t, I work because… because…
What’s the point?
Why…do I do what I do?
I know part of it is from my childhood. The childhood that I am currently in,the childhood that will always exist inside of me. I wonder if many __ year olds think about why their insecurities exist…
Something that I want to change is how I work for others and not myself. But I feel that it is impossible to change.
I have been taught to work for others’ acceptance, and even if I understand that it isn’t what’ll make me truly happy, my heart simply doesn't work like that.
I also see how I keep getting attached and having these “crushes” because I simply become attached to certain outcomes. It is the same for most kids my age, but I’d say I do it the most or worst, despite others not believing so.
I think I’m so unhappy all the time that I’ve simply forgotten what it means to be happy. Sometimes I think I mistake happiness, in its true form, for a crush.
Like ___. I’m so so so so so so sorry. I think I hurt you. I hurt you a lot just because I couldn’t deal with my own feelings. I thought I liked you a bit. But of course it was only during English class, when _____ was there. When I felt like the world revolved around me. When I felt like everything was going my way, and that I could laugh and feel good. When I felt happy.
So why, I opened up, sorta. Then later after ____________ I couldn’t deal with you anymore. Why was I so grumpy and pushed you away when you had gotten the sign that we were opening up to each other?
Why can’t I just accept that things will happen naturally, and let go?
I imagine these scenarios in my head, this “perfect” guy, when I know deep down inside my heart that’s not how life works? Life isn’t some rom-com kdrama I watched. I need to be realistic.
Why am I so desperate for attention, that I ruin the chances of actually opening up to someone?
I just watched a video about this girl named Jia who is so irresistible because she puts herself first! And she doesn’t give because she’s fearful of losing someone’s acceptance and expectations. She gives because she truly wants to, an attractive, genuine sort of love.
So why…why can’t I just stop trying to please others. Why can’t I just be genuine?
———————— too. I imagine this life with him, days that aren’t perfect but are like some movie or comic I read. Days that are more interesting than the ones I have..
————————, he gave me something to look forward to, the drama and attention I had longed for. So when I felt lonely, I wanted to go back in time so I could be the center of attention again.
_________, it feels like a dream to be with you, a dream to open up and somehow be together. But I’m just gonna get scared again and run away. What little we had, doing math together, even the little genuine relationships is what my heart longs for.
My perception of love… It’s ruined. I long for anything, anything at all… to grasp onto…
This is why I think it’s better if I try to date after I move out of this household. I can’t thoroughly control and express my feelings. I can’t do it. I need help,.,,.
Remember the school trip? The one I cried about when I left. I cried every time I thought of it. The life I wish I could have. The teachers I wish I could have as parents. I remember saying one of those days, “This trip has made me happiest I’ve been in the past few months”. Yeah right. Happiest in the years I’ve lived. I remember Mr. ________ telling the girls working for CBF what I said. But I had said it in a bittersweet tone. It wasn’t necessarily a good thing…
Everything, everything just seems to be a result of bad parenting. It seems foul to blame it on mom and dad. But isn't it funny how so many complicated feelings of loneliness, insecurity, and low self esteem can stem from parenting?
Even when I know, to know is not the same as to understand in your heart. This low self esteem and want for attention will continue. I know it.
So please, I just want to be happy.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Intermittent mind
My mind is like going in intervals at times, it’s far too dumb, the moment you reveal it it’s like an ant making the shadow of a monster, tiny and insignifi...
-
Fears, doubts and insecurities
Fears because I need to keep going or they'll call me a quitter, doubts because I doubted myself when I was drunk, and insecurities because it's all my fault. S...