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I’m not who I thought I would be by now, I thought I would be better…
I thought I would be a person who I loved, a person who is loved. A person excelling, a person who is smart and kind and valued. I thought I would be someone’s one, a partner a best friend and settled.
But I am not.
I question who I now am
Am I a person I love. I don’t even like me, I contemplate options of my esostense daily, I feel nothing for myself but sorrow. I hate me, I wonder if getting rid of this person will make life better for others, I’m not even sure it would matter.
Am I loved; by family and maybe by friends, but to me I am worthless.
Am I doing well, I have ambition but it only extends so far. My mind is much too dull to excel at anything in life, I am worthless.
Am I kind. I try to be, I try to understand what it’s like to feel like others. I understand pain, I know what it feels like to not want. I hope I am kind.
Am I valued. I think it would not matter if I existed or disappeared, people love but they also forever.
I am not a partner, I am not settled, i have a bestfriend and a family but they are okay, they are settled. I, I am a bump in the road on an even surface. I am a fog when you are expecting the sunshine. I am a Monday when you live for the weekend.
I, I am nothing
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I honestly had to look and see if this was something I had wrote it if I was reading someone else’s post. I feel you completely. Why does growing up hurt our inner child so much?
ReplyWhen you feel down, it is hard to accept that others love you because you feel like you don't deserve to be loved. Think about someone you love. What qualities do they have that make you love them? Do you have any of those same qualities? Is there anything that you love about yourself? It's hard to live in a world that seems like every ones life is perfect. Its a constant battle to feel like enough. You are something, and to someone you are everything. You just may not be open to accepting it because of the pain you feel. I completely understand how you feel. I just wish I had someone in my life that could give me the love I need to feel like enough. We just have to figure out how to make it to the next day. Tiring? Yes. But, one day you'll look back and be so proud of what you have gone through. You will be a happier person, just hold on!
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