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(Please don't read this if you're sensitive to tough topics)
I walked in on my boyfriend about to k-word himself.
What if I hadn't? What if I wasn't there? What if I had come home a second later than I did? What if my bus was running late? What if the elevator wasn't working? What if I ran into an old friend and had to catch up? What if I had seen and taken the time to respond to his "I love you, Christy" text? One tiny little thing could have changed everything. One tiny little shifted detail could have taken him away from me in an instant.
I'm still going over every second of that day. Analyzing it. Everything I did and didn't do led me to be able to stop him. If I had even so much as walked a little slower I wouldn't have gotten there in time. He would've died with me just outside the apartment door, or in the elevator, or on the bus. I would've only had those last few seconds or minutes of blissful ignorance before finding out that I was late. Late to something I wasn't even aware of. I would've lost him.
I turned the corner and saw him facing the window with the gun pointed at his head. I didn't even know he had a gun. Time stopped. My throat felt tight and my mind was void. I remember the sound of my keys hitting the floor when I dropped them at the sight in front of me. I remember the sound of my voice when I told him to put the gun down. I was terrified. I sounded terrified. One wrong word and it would be over. One second too late and it would be over. I remember the sound of his screaming and crying after he finally dropped it and crumpled to the floor. I kicked the gun further away and held him while he cried. He said sorry. He said he loved me. He said he hated himself and that he didnt deserve me. He said he ruins everything and hurts everyone. He said he didn't want to kill himself in front of me. He said it was so hard not to. That everything was so hard. He told me everything going on in his head.
I tend to become very calm when I'm overly stressed out. Maybe it's a response to being so overwhelmed my brain doesn't know what to do. So it just does nothing. But I couldn't do nothing. I didn’t have time. I had to snap myself out of it. I had to feel the stress to keep me in the moment and keep me grounded. When I was holding him I really felt nothing. I was in so much distress that it translated to NOTHING. How does that happen? I just couldn't believe that I was in that situation. It didn't feel real. It still doesn't feel real. Sometimes nothing feels real. I feel so much nothing all the time. My boyfriend is the only person who makes me feel anything. It took me a couple minutes to even register what happened and then that's when I started feeling. I felt the sadness and the helplessness and the stress all at once. Everything I could have been feeling from the start hit me all at once. I was angry too. Angry at the universe for making this happen but gratefull that it put me in the right place at the right time. Why can't anything be easy? Why can't anything be simple?
I held onto him really tightly. He held onto me tightly too. He didn't say anything for a long time and neither did I. He just cried and cried for hours and I sat with him on that hard ass cold floor the whole time and didn't dare move. I didn't take my eyes off him. I didn't loosen my grip on him even the slightest bit. I was afraid if I did, he'd slip away and dissappear.
After he stopped crying it was my turn to be a mess. I was the one crying and he was the one holding me. I told him how much he means to me. I told him I love him more than anything in the whole entire world. I told him I'd do anything for him. I'd do anything he wanted me too. If he needed anything I'd make it happen. I told him every little thing I love about him. Like how cute his smile is and how nice he is to old people. How he's so caring and empathetic and understanding no matter what. How he always knows just what to say and do to cheer me up. I realized then just how much I love him. Just how great of a person he is. How lucky I am to have him. I hope I can be as good to him as he is to me. I knew he was struggling but we were working on it. I didn't know it was like this. I should do better. I have to see what he tries to hide. I have to read behind his smile and his reassuring words.
I haven't gone to work the last week because I've been at home with him. I don't want to leave him by himself. I don't want to leave him ever again. I can't risk being a second late ever again. I love him so much. He's everything. He makes me feel. Now I feel too much. It's driving me crazy. I get scared when he's in the shower for too long. I get scared when he zones out and stares off into space with that dull look in his sweet eyes. I get scared when he hugs me or tells me he loves me because what if he's saying goodbye? I can't let that happen. I won't. I will not let that happen. I have had everything and everyone taken away from me my whole life but not this time. Not him.
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You don't trust him anymore. I don't blame you. I wouldn't either. In fact, if I were in your shoes, I would get him help from someone else and leave him. But, that's me.
You'll have to figure out a way to forgive him and allow him the ability to live the life he chooses.
Trauma comes in many, many forms. You have been traumatized. If you are able, talk with a professional to help you through this.
And you need to learn something very, very, very important: You have no control over anyone or their decisions. You are not a god.
Replyplease help him get professional help
Reply