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I remember the first time I truly felt the weight of what you did to me. Nothing could compare to that. Nothing ever. It was why I continued to seek the abuse in adulthood. It was why I let the first man I fell in love with as an adult treat me like an option and could only get off if he told me no one else would ever love me like he did when he held me down in bed. Freshly eighteen, drunk off of vodka in a dorm room, I came back from a blackout to realize I was being flipped over and put in handcuffs. "Is this rape if I know I couldn't fight back if I wanted to?" I thought. And as fucked up as it is, I don't think I've ever enjoyed sex more than that night. "Shut the fuck up."..."I knew you would like it."...and I did. I did like it. Because it felt familiar. Normal. Like someone wanted me so bad, they were willing to get me drunk and handcuff me. And when I told them I couldn't remember most of what happened that night because I was so drunk, you said "Oh I thought you had sobered up like me by the time we did it.". But that's not the truth, is it? No, of course not. Because I was blacked out for a lot of that night, but I distinctly remember you guiding me to your bed as you laughed and said "You're so drunk." with a smile on your face. And when I found out you had videos and pictures from that night, I wracked my brain for hours trying to remember you taking them to no avail. "I really didn't know you were recording..." to which you responded "I asked if I could and you said yes.". So why didn't I know they existed until almost two months later? I thought for months that I had picked you. That you were a good guy, and we were both just a little fucked up. But you got me drunk in your dorm and used me twice. I can't even remember what it felt like. I was so gone I didn't even realize I was bleeding profusely til you finished and said "I think you're bleeding.". When the doctor asked if it was rough intercourse, I just looked at you because I literally could not remember in that moment what all we had done. No I'm not saying you raped me. What I am saying, though, is that you made sure you had me, then you got what you needed and made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough. I know for a fact that I loved you harder than anyone in this world ever has and most likely ever will. And you made me feel like nothing. Less than human. And I hope you have to live the rest of your sorry life knowing that every fear you have of truly being a terrible, evil person were made true by everything you did to me. And if there really is a God like you so firmly believe, I promise that if you were to die right now, there is no way you would ever step foot into his kingdom.
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