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I want to feel numb, i want to stop feeling so strongly about the smallest of things. i wish i was normal. i wish that when the smallest thing in my life doesn't go to plan my mind doesn't immediately go straight to i need to hurt myself or i need to feel pain. since i stopped hurting myself, 2 years 7 month and 15 days ago (957 days ago), i've been replacing the urge to feel pain through tattoos and piercings which i understand isn't exactly healthy and it's expensive but it's better than slicing myself with a blade or pulling my hair out. the reason i've gotten so caught up with this is because a girl i really liked has started seeing someone else and it has brought up all the hurt from my last relationship and how hurt i was and how lonely i felt at the time which i guess is how i feel now but i don't understand because we weren't even together, which makes me feel angry because why do i even feel like this. she is literally just a girl. i wish there was a way to numb down my feelings and just not feel things. in october/november i was so ready to end my life i found a poem that i want reading out at my funeral and saved the poem to this computer and where i'd want my belongings to go and who i'd want to come to my funeral, how i'd want the wake to be and what i'd want to do with my body. that isn't normal. i've been fantasising about dying since i was 10. that's so young. i work with 9-16 year olds now and if one of them came to me with those feelings i'd want to hold them and tell them it'll be okay because they have their whole life ahead of them and things would get better, but how hyppocritical would that be?? they're too young to feel those things. why am i so hard on myself? i ask myself this because recently i've been struggling with my self image. i feel fat and over weight, even when i know i'm not. ironically to make myself feel better about it i binge eat and make myself feel so full i feel sick and in pain and i then feel a deep shameful feeling. any advice you guys think would help? or next steps?
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My advice is to see a doctor and get referred to either a psychiatrist or a therapist. Whichever the doctor thinks is best for you.
Replythank you! i should've included this but i see a therapist once a month, she seems to think i have C-PTSD which is a new term an isn't "diagnosable" yet.
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