Cementing my resolution.

I am a 12th grader and I have been really stressed about my studies. Which major to take up in college, would that be the right choice for me, will I be able to get a stable job, get enough money to fund the lifestyle I want, will I regret that choice later in the future, all these doubts clouded my head since 11th grade. I never talked to anyone about it except a very close online friend of mine who is going through the same ordeal.

A little background about me; I come from a financially struggling family, and I perform well in school, get good grades. Even though I require tuitions for that, which often makes me doubt my ability (and also makes me feel guilty about my parents paying the tuition fees).

Today we had parents-teacher meeting in our school. Basically, parents were called to discuss the students' performance in the last exams. I came 3rd in class, which rank-wise may be good but score-wise not so much. So my mom accompanied me to the meeting and this time I had made my mind about talking to my teacher about my career related problems.

In front of my mom, I opened up about my feelings, worries that were holding me back from utilizing my full potential, and all that. My teacher sympathized with me. She understood my problems, didn't scold me and told me to take a break and rethink everything at my own pace. Those simple words that she said, really hit my soul. It's crazy how just a little bit of kindness from someone, when you are struggling, can make you feel so heard and so valid. I was fighting back tears man. My lip was quivering from how much I was trying to hold it in.

All the other subject teachers I met told me the same thing, "You have potential, you are a brilliant student, you just need to try harder, try to better your scores, you can do good in any field you go to, speak up when you have problems, come to us with your doubts." All this made me realize how understanding my teachers were. Sure they may not understand every little thing, but the fact that they are willing to listen to me just makes me want to cry. I have been keeping such feelings inside me since 11th grade, bottling them up, and only letting it out when no one was at home. Might I say, I am very proud of me for opening up.

What about my mom you may ask? She didn't understand anything. The country where I am from, mental health is still a taboo topic. She couldn't understand why the teachers were taking time to interact with each and every child. She didn't understand what problems I was facing. And it's not like I haven't told her about it before. I have touched the topic a few times, but it was never taken seriously. Well, I guess it is kind of my fault as well for not specifying that it was something serious and important to me. But at the same time, I just could not do that.

My parents are both working. They struggle to make ends meet and as their child I just keep on asking more and more and more. Tuition fees, school fees, stationary this and that. I feel guilty about it. I can't keep on burdening them with my problems too. They never tell me off for that tho, they support me with whatever I need but I think the "support" is only monetary at this point. I am thankful for everything they do but sometimes I deeply wish that they also supported me in an emotional/mental way too.

So, on the way back home, I silently cried on the bus while my mom gave me the silent treatment. She was, for some reason, mad at me?? That really hurt after all I opened up about. Well, she can take her time absorbing it and I really hope she comes around.

Now my plan, I aim to get 1st rank in our class or at least improve my scores in the upcoming exams. No worries about career options, no worries about not getting into a good college. Just working hard to get a 1st rank in all of 12th grade in my finals at the end of the year. This is my resolution. I am going to improve. I am going to do my absolute fooking best and prove myself to myself and others.

Well, this post is way too long. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I will probably post an update in late September to early October with the same tags and a "pt.2".

Please be kind in the comments :) Hope you have a great day!