Why

Why am I still alive?

I know I should be saying this but, sometimes I get really jealous at orphans because from the beginning they were abandoned and disappointed from the very beginning and also if they get adopted they know that they are wanted, they were desired, whereas I growing up get disappointed and hurt time and time again, when I think I'm finally used to the pain they say more things that just adds salt to my wounds, even though I want to die, I can't because I'm too much of a coward, I just it all to go away, to finally feel peace feel like I am loved, not someone who ruined thier lives or their mistake or the cause of every little bad thing that's been happening to them especially the man I have to call my father due to my culture, on not allowing to disrespect them. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell them how I feel, ask them Why! Why is it that when you guys fight it somehow leads to me?!, Why is it when someone thing happened with my little siblings it's my responsibility? Why didn't you abort me?! Why didn't you just put me in a trash bag and then trew to the bottom of the ocean if you guys didn't like me? WHY keep me alive? Why can't you guys see that you guys were not fit to become parents, especially you my so called father! Why were you allowed to make children if you only think of yourself and treat us, your kids like pieces of trash? There are so many other men in the world wanting to become the greatest father they could be but cant! So why can you?