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Time sure flies really fast.. I feel like I'm exhausted seeing things that have been happening so far. It feels surreal that it's already been 3 years. It's funny that it seems like I'm too late to write everything down. Well, I'm always late at everything, so I don't find it surprising that I'm writing this now.
Medication, therapy, college, life. I just don't know.. Its been years since I've been done with medication, and I'm already glad I'm done with that. To be honest, I'm grateful for everything. The only downside to my medication is that I feel numbed all the time. Clearly, something has changed within me. I feel numbed all the time, I never felt anything that anyone would do in certain situations. Basically, I feel like I'm emotionless, is like every time I talk to someone, the rhythm inside me is like a monotone.
My friends have probably already noticed it. It's funny they're just trying so hard to cover it up so I won't get suspicious about their intent. Whenever I had a chance to talk to somebody, my friends forced me to hook them up. To be honest, I could have smacked them if I had a chance to do so. There are some days they hook me up with someone, but I never bother to do it. Other times they just get mad since I'm more focused on academics. Probably I should have told them about my condition, because whenever I talked. What it feels like inside, is that you're dead. I don't feel anything, the emotions that I had before the medication never came back. And I more inclined to keep going that way, rather than being controlled. Its probably best if I don't tell them. Because there's a lot more things on my mind than doing unnecessary things in life.
My grandfather died last year, and I feel like I'm ashamed that I didn't grieve like my family does. Even though, he was the one who raised me with grandma, I was with him until I reached my high school years. He taught me everything about how difficult life can be, and what you should be proud of. Honestly, I'm glad.. that he died doing things he loved. Grandpa, I never had a chance to say it until now. I'm happy to be the grandchild you have. I will always look up to you through the hardships I'm facing. I'm sorry I didn't cry or show any grief like anyone would.
I know that my emotions are messed up. I never had a chance to open up with somebody because it felt unnecessary. They told me why I don't show anything besides this emotionless face of mine. Its not like I'm wearing a fake mask to hide a thousand words beyond that curtain. Even if I do, I'm okay with that, I don't need to be pitied. Because in other things, I'm fine with it. But it feels like its childish that its okay to put up some courage, and carry it alone. Just be brave and embrace what is happening, because you can't control it.
Well, that's about everything. I feel relieved writing about the things on my mind. But I hope I still have the courage to fight for what's coming, even though I will do this on my own.
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Breathe.
Give yourself permission to breathe... to live your life unapologetically... and to grieve in your own terms.
Be kind to yourself. Encourage yourself. And forgive yourself over and over again each day.
You do not need to explain or hide yourself. The people who know you and who want the best for you do not need explanation. You just have to be.
Take care and live well.
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