Im in love with my best friend.

Being friends since age 3 and 4.

I was confused and always lived up to other expectations and was depressed most of my life so I was never a really good friend or stuck with friends for long. We used to be good friends and lost connection cause of me and my mental health. Reconnecting in year 9 and people would think we were dating, which I think he wanted, but I thought of him only as a friend. I wasn't really there when he really needed but I was too busy dealing with things and still living up to my other friends standard. In year 11 that friend who had a crush on my best friend for over 4 years finally managed to date him which I was happy but then I didn't just loose the friend I knew most of my life but I lost 2 friends, my only friends. Now in year 12, them distancing themselves like couples do I finally can see how living up to that person's expectations was silly and realised I have always like my best friend. It hurts me, not talking to him because I dont approve of his partner, my friend, who has hurt me mentally. I hurt so much, I've lost all friends and family, I have not much will to live other than seeing my cat in the morning. I miss him and now I'm too late as I graduate soon and going back to when we were 3 and 4 I shouldve been better, not been fake, and realised I love him so very much but now I feel sick seeing him love another and share all his firsts with this friend. I just wish i could be loved at all really, but I wish it would've been by him.