What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
Like always .. I'm just staring into this sentence "Write your thoughts here". I go blank every time I try to talk. This is why I'm doing this. I hope I can finally tell how I feel. So I can process how I feel. How do I feel? Well, I feel my throat hurting. I feel fine? I'm laughing, I'm crying. I cry not because of a certain thing .. I cry because I can't find anything to make me happy anymore. It's only mourning the loss of my joy. I can't find solace in anything anymore. I used to find comfort and safety in my bed and maybe a good movie or a youtube video, good music and a drawing session, calling the people I love, a walk. However, now .. nothing. From nothing comes more nothing. I never feel good enough to wear my brain can start operating and actually handle the things I don't want to do that I have to do. It feels like this is my life right now and that it will only keep getting worse. The reason why I stopped journaling and stopped finding comfort in my drawings is that I just am out of anything to tell myself anymore. I'm out of answers. I've been miserable for too long and I can't seem to be able to find my joy in life again. Most of my life people would say I'm "a ball of joy and happiness" or "a ray of sunshine". Most of the time I got these comments I was wishing for a car to hit me in the street and end me and my misery. When I say things like this people tell me don't say that, you don't know how much you mean to us. How much joy and happiness you bring to us. We need you here. They don't realize two things. 1. I don't think I add anything but sorrow to the people who matter the most to me. 2. Even if I do spread this "joy" to the people around me, I can't give it to myself .. and it gets harder each day just to continue existing with this feeling. Because the reality is, you can't just stay in bed and sob it out. First, life doesn't wait for you. You're gonna lose your job, you're gonna flunk you're exams, you're gonna miss opportunities and you will be even more behind in life than you already are. And second, Even if you lay in bed for months, it's not gonna get any better. You just can't sob it out no matter how hard you try. What happens after a while is you just lose all sense of feeling. You don't feel joy anymore but you also stop crying. You've just cried too much you're used to it. You're used to the sadness in your heart. Nothing means anything anymore. Talking doesn't help. I've tried to talk to friends but it's no use. On the one hand I keep saying the same things and I can never find a satisfying answer with anyone. I don't blame them I can't help me either. On the other hand, it keeps not being solved and I keep feeling the same way and I keep saying the same things and I know I am an exhausting friend. I don't want to be that. Therapy doesn't help either. I don't have anyone to blame but myself. Maybe I'm just not strong. Maybe I'm just weak. What's wrong with me?! I struggle regularly with taking my medication. I struggle with getting things done. With replying to messages. With doing tasks. I just struggle with life. I have no will anymore. I wish I was dead many years ago. That would have been a better version of me and a better note to end with than this thing I've become. I don't know why I can't bear the same weight I was able to carry when I was a young child. I don't know who I am or what I want to do with my life. I used to be a hard worker. Now I would be ashamed of my old self seeing my current level of effort.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
Breathe.
I see you. I feel you. I've been there. I still struggle, but I find a reason each day to open my eyes.... get out of bed and live. Sometimes, even breathing gets hard. You wonder if you will ever get through this rut. And you miss the person that you were before.
But you see, you are changing. Your story is different from the rest. Get up and get out when you are ready. Take as much rest as you need to get better.... stronger.... and to get your bearings in order. Go and seek the life and love that you so long for and deserve.
I hope that you have better days ahead.
Live well.
Reply