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A few nights ago I had a dream that shocked me awake. And then another. The first dream, I dreamt I woke up in my own bed with someone laying behind me. I was turned over on my side facing away like I usually am and I never have anyone stay over, but I felt comfortable, if a bit groggy. I looked over my shoulder and saw him asleep next to me, and I awoke with a start. Last night I saw a house in the woods, the place powdered with snow. I don’t know where it was. It looked like a vacation home. And then I was in my own body, laying under the covers on top of someone’s chest. Someone as warm as me, with a steady heart I’d heard under my ear before. My hair was as long as it was before, it must have grown out. I opened my eyes and shifted my head up, and saw him again. Older now. A bit of stubble. He stirred and looked back at me, with that small, soft smile, and kissed me once. Bright eyes in the sun. Same look in his eyes as the first time he kissed me. There was thunder that day, and his hand on the small of my back to pull me in close. A gentle hand on my face, a kind pair of lips. I woke up with a lot of feelings. We will not be together, not while we are separated, not even when both of us want to be together. We want to go on dates. Want to come home to each other. Want to show the other everything we know. I may never be with him. I may never have him hold my hand in his, touch my face, and kiss me ever again. I may never put my hand through his hair to calm him down, or kiss his cheeks and forehead to let him know I’m there. I appreciate that he tries to take care of me in the little ways. Offers me food and drink before he has any, puts me out of harm’s way. He takes care of me even when he thinks I’m not looking, does the little things like moving my dishes away to make my life easier. He’s more a man of action but he understands that I need words too, and he vocalizes his appreciation for me now. I’m trying to feel my grief about it. For us to feel so strongly about each other without being together. We will be apart for five years, or maybe forever. The last time I saw him, he asked when he’d see me again. Holding my face in one hand and my hand in the other. I told him I’d see him again soon, and kissed him goodbye. He said he’d see me again soon too. The rational part of me knows either of us could find different people. That he has no sworn loyalty to me. He has never said that he loves me, though I can feel it. Though I know it, in my heart. The way he held my face in a moment of intimacy and told me that I am beautiful and that he cares for me, truly, deeply. Though everyone else can see it and has told me about it on the horizon, before anything even began. Three years ago people noticed the way he looked at me and I said there was nothing there. Two years ago a fortune teller told me of a man and I didn’t believe him for a long time. He told me of him in no uncertain terms, with words that he would tell me himself half a year later. I never told him about that fortune teller. I can get over it. I can get over us loving each other and not being able to be together. It might even be healthy. I can only live right now. He asked me before if I had waited for him. And the truth was I hadn’t, because it would’ve destroyed me. If he had asked me to, I would’ve. If I had the knowledge he wanted me to. But he has asked me to just be friends because of the separation. It is already hell to be apart. Now I can’t even speak to him about still desiring him near, even in my dreams. He confided in me once that all he wanted was to kiss me when we were just friends before. I know mostly that this is because he can’t offer me what he feel he needs to. He wants to be in the place where he feels good enough for me. So he can take me on dates, come home to me, show me everything. He’s told me I’m one of his closest friends. I think a deep, romantic love would have to have its feet in friendship and security. If he can offer me that, we can get it going. The last time I saw him, he reached out and held my hand. I felt relief come over my whole body. I just wanted to hold his hand. And he just wanted to kiss me and tell me how much he cares about me. But for now I have the memory of how he looks at me with pure affection even when I’m not looking. How my heart feels like it beams when I hear his voice. And two dreams about wishing he was here.
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Lovely.
I hope that you have better days to come.
I hope you muster the courage to go after the love and life that you so long for and deserve.
And I hope that you live well.
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