What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
27 July 2023 the day that changed everything for me. The news came the next day but what occurred that day rocked me to my core. I had dreams. I had desires. But he took it from me with him. The day I passed my matriculation exam he cried on the phone to my relative. He was proud of me. That cry gave me a sense of joy. It lit me up. For the first time in my life I felt like yes I did achieve something. Yeah I made him proud. I knew my mother was proud of me. She showed me that whenever she got the chance. Not my father. That moment was a sign of approval. That was the biggest achievement.
I wanted that in my life but unfortunately I couldn't. I tried my best but I was not able to do it. I couldn't make him happy with my marks or at least I couldn't give him that sense of pride which I wanted. But still one day he bragged about me and my brother. He showed pride towards us and in that moment I was overjoyed again. I wanted that more in my life. My graduation marks couldn't give him that but I knew what would do that. Me securing a government job.
The one which I left selfishly didn't give me guilt. It gave me fear. Fear of what if I was not good enough. Fear of what if that was just a fluke. My insecurities grew but the urge remained to do it for my family and especially for him. I studied and studied. I even thought of ditching my friends thinking that maybe they will drag me down. I had no other goal. That was the only goal I had.
The earlier night was like all other nights. He was normal. At least to my eyes. I couldn't see the sadness he was in. My last words to him were in a tone which I regret. I never once sat with him and told him how I felt. I never told him I am working. I never told him that I am studying to make you proud.
That day he didn't come back. I didn't give much shit about it. I kept studying. Everyone was trying to find him but I didn't give a damn. I sat there. I didn't think anything of it. I knew he would come back and he did but not the way I wanted.
At night the realisation really hit. When someone told me he was no more, I was angry. How could they. How dare they. To me he was missing. The next day when the news broke I didn't know what happened. I wanted to shout. I wanted to cry. I wanted to burn everything down but there was nothing I could do. I was told to keep it to myself. Crying wasn't the option. We still had our mother to take care of. They were right and I did what they said. I wiped my tears but that sorrow has become stuck with me. That sorrow eats me up. Whenever I hear his name. Whenever I think of him. I feel like crying but then again I control myself. The guilt is killing me bit by bit. I wanted to make him proud. Now what should I do. I am just a shell. I didn't even get to see him. All I feel right now is emptiness. I need a purpose. I need to cry.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
To my unrequited
I know you will never see me in that light for you have found your true love as you told me that much but I wish you could know how much I long for you. This is...
-
doubting
sugar-y stomach pain that tears and pulls and sucks at my iron sandy heart; one is very often challenged by guilt and depression and love but it very much feels...