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I am tired now of all the bickering, I have to go through each day, I know how important it is to study but, I am fed up of it , I just want to live is it so much to ask for , I don't know why i cant bring myself to studying again but I seriously can't so please leave me alone, I sometimes think if I am even important to those who I think I am to and I seriously contemplate if I should just die. Death is such a strong word but sometime it feels like it is the answer to all of my worries, I know I am being a coward but what can iI do , It feels like my life is crumbling day by day, I can't keep lying to mom that I am studying , I just can't bring myself to destroy her dreams, but at what cost ,I am thinking I am going insane, I am noticing how i no longer feel happy or feel any emotion toward my parents and other family members, I just sometime feel extreme rage and frustration towards my dearest one and the next moment i regret those feeling, I don't know why but I am losing my drive to live or do anything at all. I just keep distracting myself from these emotion. I feel very extreme level of sadness but tears don't come out, rage towards papa for not being there , never showing interest what his family is going through. I slowly feel like I AM BECOMING LIKE HIM but i don't want to . I rather die than to torment my mother. But it will hurt her. what can i do but feel like this everyday and keep these feeling stored deep in my mind . someday these feeling will released to the outside world or maybe not . Maybe I will die before that. Because I keep finding myself surfing over methods of suicide like today i found that yew seeds will be easiest and affordable way to die like 5-6 seeds and I am done. DEATH is so much closer than I imagine. I just want to stop feeling these emotions. I think puberty hit me hard or I am just imagining my life going down. I have family and friends or maybe not or maybe I have friend some very good friends at that but I feel so LONELY. when I was a child who I still am or maybe I think I am, but whatever I thought to myself I will never be like those children who fails. but here I am pondering between poisoning my self or jumping from network tower what a fragile being I am . I mean I am vey weird I don't feel empathy towards others at all now not even my towards my own blood maybe I am mentally ill, But in this generation all are suffering from it or they think they are or are just showing it to get attention. I feel being chocked from these emotion , I can't bring myself to cry I don't know , when I was a kid I was vey sensitive towards crying maybe because of father who always came home drunk maybe he felt like me too a failure of a son, a brother , a human being I don't know why I am typing this when no one will ever read this but here I am after 2825 words and still going . I feel like I can achieve anything if I work hard but I can't bring myself to it as the voice in mind tells me I can achieve it without working hard which i know is false, but i stopped studying in
january 2022 when there was lockdown of one month but i scored good without studying and good at that and I thought maybe i can study when the deadline comes near but when the time came I couldn't bring myself to open a book but still passed jee mains but barely boards to at that now I am just typing shit so lets stop. I thing a lifted off from my chest by just typing but a mountain is still there. so maybe next time if there is a next time. THANK YOU ( to whom I don't know but thanks)
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