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5 years ago I was raped by my boyfriend. I tried my best to protect him but the police found out. Then I betrayed him. He went to prison. IT IS ALL MY FAULT! He is out now and the release conditions end next month. I've put off trying to apologise in person because I don't want him to get in trouble. Every day has been hell. I can't stop worrying and regretting. Reality isn't real anymore. Nothing is. I need to fix things. I need to stop his voice in my head. I need this to end. I was stupid for telling people how hurt i felt. I see him all the time but its like a ghost. Will it stop if i apoligise to him in person? I just want to be me again. I just need this pressure to stop but im scared it never will unless i end this. Hopefully the voices will die when I see him again. What would you do??
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If he raped you why would you want to protect him? That doesn't make sense.
ReplyWe were in a relationship. He said he'd kill himself or do it again if he went to prison. He wanted to carry on with things like normal and I forgave him but i couldn't get over it. He seemed so remorseful but I just kept pushing him away because i couldnt cope. I went to therapy but they told the police after I begged them not to. I can't help but feel like I betrayed him.
ReplyHave you ever thought that maybe she must have really loved this guy to the point that losing him wasn’t an option. Don’t think you need to decide if she makes sense.
ReplyThank you, I'm the original poster. That's how it felt. I couldn't comprehend a life without him, despite what he did. Now that he is no longer in my life, I still feel so attached and so lost without him. I still feel his presence and everyday I think things would be easier in my mind if I tried to see him again. I'm tired of constantly fighting my own mind. Thank you for your understanding!
ReplyWhy do you want to protect the rapist ?
ReplyHe was my boyfriend, apparently he had watched intimate videos of similar situations. What if he was confused and thought that what he did was normal?
ReplyYou did nothing wrong. there's no reason for you to feel like you need to fix anything. Unfortunately you're living with the psychological after effects of sexual abuse: shame, shattered confidence, always second-guessing your actions and even your memory. This is the real pain that survivors must deal with.
I can't pretend to give you counseling to make you feel better, to make you realize you owe him nothing. Maybe a good therapist can guide you there, but I have my doubts about that too. It just sucks and I'm sorry you got dragged into this, just because you were at the wrong place at the wrong time. But please try to remind yourself that NONE of this is your fault. It's 100% on him. HE should be the one to beg for your forgiveness (not that you owe him any).
ReplyIt's not your responsibility to protect him. HE is the criminal. You didn't betray him. He betrayed YOU, by raping you. You've got everything backwards. He needs to apologise to you. You have nothing to apologise for. Would you protect a rapist that raped another person? If you did that, you would be as bad as the rapist for condoning criminal and immoral behaviour.
ReplyYou did nothing wrong. I think you should leave him. I know that leaving is scary but if he threatened to kill hk self just because of his obsession with sex, then I don’t think he is worth you. You are not his mother. I want you to understand your self worth before worrying about a boy who is so selfish.
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