These feelings are unwanted because of the age difference and im struggling

We met at the festival in the country that wasn't mine and was never meant to be. Neither it was yours. I was a volunteer, you were everything at once, all of the time: actor, chef, volunteer, dancer, singer. You could be anything and you were. You were a magnet, you still are, people love you. Personal sun, Mr.I-call-everyone-darlings-and-sweethearts with your British accent. You aren't British a bit, your name screamed of your belonging to the land of loud laughters and mid night dancers and coffee drinkers. I fell the first day I met you, all lost and all teen, like teen could be a sentence (and it was, because you're older) and you tapped my shoulder and said im doing fine, standing less then 30 centimetres next to me. It was so nice before, my troubles, my alcoholic intellectual father, my high spiritsd musician mother, all those matter above shattered on your kind smile. I know why people love you - you look them in the eyes when they speak, you make them feel important.

I was the youngest of all volunteers. When they didn't know my age it was so easy - abd everyone treated me like equal. They weren't unkind after they found out - but it was harder. More jokes. Less truths.

I gifted you my sketch of you on the 4th day and you said you're emotional. You showed it to everyone and i felt flattered. My hands were trembling each time you were passing by. My heart fell down and i still refused to believe. My scientific world wouldnt break because of you. But it did.

We were working together. I met people. You danced in the middle of kitchen and i felt joy just of looking at you. But you knew. And when i admitted it to the lady i worked with she said "honey, i know". Am i being so obvious? When you spoke your language with her and i asked for translation she said that you know.

You know. That night i took the highest rollercoaster for my last money and it wasn't enough to erase my tears and my trembling hands. It felt like a sentence. Because of how you look at me, i can read on your face "I'll talk to them because they're young and in love and I am a good guy who pities and doesn't want a broken heart of a teen". My scars got deeper.

The last night of the fest you kissed those two girls. Two at once and you laughed, and than was a guy. We danced together and i was never happier until the girl that i knew screamed in his ear my age. And i fell.

It was the longest night of my life and we talked. But we didn't talk about us. We talked about life on the kitchen at six o'clock. It was nice and you said "you're such a babe". It gave me some hope. Chance for next year?

I heard you making love to this girl. It was an accident and i wish i was deaf. Long story short - i hope my crush will dissolve in realisation of a simple human being you are. But it didn't. Its the worst. I cannot control it, my reasoning is weak and my facts and logic doesn't work. I want to be disappointed in him so i would uncrush but i can't.

I had visible scars the day we said goodbye and i knew that you noticed. You held me in your arms a bit longer then usual. Gave me your instagram, but you never replied for a simple "how's it going? how're your days after the fest?"

I will not write you again, do not want to bother you. I know that you watch my stories sometime, but i think you just accidentally click on the circle. It is okay, tho. I respect your decision. But im still hurt.