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idk whats wrong with me but the smallest things tick me off very easily and makes me want to kill myself. I dont have the will to live in general so if something even very trivial issue occurs I can go from literally 100-0 in a sec. I have had it very rough mentally for the past few years that has drained every will to live vanish over the years. I'm just existing. All I want to do is disappear from evryones life and hope they dont notice. But I cant kill myself so i guess it will be a while for me to go on like this until maybe one day I'll lose all reasoning and do something. I have no motivation. I have absolutely no one I can talk about it. my friends have gave up me too and stopped reaching out to me as they should. I would too. Its too draining to deal with a person who has no will to live or any goal in life. my relationship with my family has worsened so much over the years too. its so hard for me to go on like this when i dont even want to be here in the first place. just existing/living is hard itself and then I have to pull myself out of this hole that i have dug for myself over the years. when i cant even go on just living, im supposed to be motivated and fight for myself, my future. i barely have the energy and will to do the daily chores. my sleep schedule is EXTREMELY screwed up, my physical health is constantly deteriorating, my skin, hair, everything. i feel tired, sleepy, dizzy, fatigue alll the time yet cant fall asleep at night. and dont even let me start with the mental health issues. my anxiety has gotten so worse i cant even function properly in front of a crowd, i cant speak up in front of people, i literally start shaking, sweating excessively, get nauseous, dizzy and faint unless someone prevents me from falling. i cant afford any treatment either. its so expensive. and i gave have so much to fix on myself. im malnourished even. the only way i see me living is somehow miraculously something life flipping good thing happens to me rn. but that wont unless i get my ass up and work for it. which is exactly why im afraid i wont make it cause idk how many mental breakdowns i can take. its either a good life or none cause the one im living rn is not something i wanna be a part of anymore. im supposed to be hopeful and do something for my life when i have absolutely 0 will to go on and everything makes me want to end it.
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You say you are malnourished so write out a proper meal schedule that contains healthy food with the number of calories you need each day and begin eating properly. Make sure to eat fruit and vegetables and red meat for iron. Fish is good too and eat eggs as well. Look up healthy food. When you eat properly you will feel better and your skin and hair will improve. Things won't magically come to you so you must make things happen liken having a job where you earn enough money to survive and save. See a doctor because you are most likely depressed and get medication for your anxiety as well. If you can 't afford to see a doctor buy fish oil tablets because they are good for depression and buy over the counter medication for anxiety. Make the effort to fix your sleep schedule by going to sleep at a certain time and waking up after 8 hours without sleeping in and screwing it up. Make a to do list for yourself and tick off each thing that you fix about yourself. I live by myself and I cook for myself every night. One meal I like is to put peas, corn, broccoli, and cauliflower into a bowl then make a half a cup of soup and tip the soup all over these vegetables as a tasty sauce. Put mince into the bowl as well and cover with cling wrap in which you pierce some holes with a fork. Then place in microwave on high for 5 and a half minutes and there is your meal. I have this with steak instead of mince and I grill the steak on the stove. I also have an air fryer in which I cook fish and chips. I buy a cooked chicken once a fortnight which I share with my dog. UUse your imagination with meals or look up recipes and definitely avoid take away food. For breakfast I have rolled oats in which I put some mixed fruit and this will cook in 2 minutes in the microwave. Yoghurt is good as well. Begin to realize how important you are and look after yourself. properly.
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