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Sounding like a cliche when I think about how hard it is to stay positive and not let my mental diagnoses define me although those closest around me seem to be my biggest triggers. They trigger all of the bad parts of myself I've been trying to suppress. It hurts to see myself get so worked up over what seems to be simple issues. To me, they aren't small grieves. They turn my world upside down. I can't focus on anything else but what is on my mind. It sucks. My mother knows exactly how to get a reaction out of me and even with my multiple pleas for her to understand me, she is a full-blown narcissist that can only think about herself. When I was 12 she found a note that told of all my pain and neglect I felt at home. I somehow became an ungrateful brat in her eyes. Not thankful for the work she puts in to raise me. As if I asked to be born. Against all odds, I was born. I question why on my bad days. Sent into a spiral from just the slightest tone change. Somedays I think I'm crazy. Other days I don't care. I become vengeful. Seeking to "get even". I always wanted to be something great but my luck is funny when it comes to that. People that know me claim I'm good at everything I set my mind to but I've never been #1. Always mediocre when it came down to awards. Yeah most of the time that stuff is rigged, a popularity contest. I don't want to be popular. Just loved. I hate being in big crowds and the fact that I'm stared down by people wherever I go. I seek to be unnoticed in the background but it never happens. Those things go hand and hand. Popularity=recognition. Why can't the middle man ever get an award? "We noticed how hard you pushed yourself, here you go". Seeking validation without wanting to be noticed. A giant paradox I call my brain. Everyone wants to be special. I'm special to one person but my brain constantly tells me differently when I'm not in constant communication with them. I overthink every aspect of my relationship. I recently found out about relationship OCD and the more I look into it, the more sense it makes. Classic google diagnosis. I don't allow myself to take anything I say seriously in constant fear it's just my brain playing tricks and I will gain clarity later. Does this make sense? Who knows. Not a big fan of proofreading and my mind is racing. It's been a rough month. Trying to better myself while my brain is fighting every change I try to make. Hanging in here. One fragment sentence at a time.
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