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I recently gave my virginity to a 28 year old man thats very much in a relationship.
I am 18, to be clear. I'm not here to make myself feel better or gain sympathy but more so to really self reflect, because what in the actual fuck did I do?
The day it all started for me was the day I got on the back of his Harley and went to lunch with him, it was truly the first time I had ever felt like I had done something reckless and exciting, it was and is one of the best memory's I've created, I can say that without regret because at the time it was truly innocent for me, who would be a able to resist an older, extremely attractive man with tattoos offer to hop on the back of his motorcycle and get some food with? nobody. the lunch wasn't too exiting, I was nervous, I liked when he helped me with my helmet, it felt intimate. that same day we went to a work event, I had seen him with a girl around the bar area, I couldn't believe it! I never got conformation that he had a girlfriend until another one of our coworkers told me of "Sarah" - to this day he has never told me her name directly. I ignored it really, to me as long as he didn't tell me, she didn't exist. as you can imagine our interactions at work were more friendly than one might seem fit but it was just workplace fun, right? I met her, I met the girlfriend. apparently she's friends with the rest of our coworkers now after that very fun and eventful work event. I was introduced to her by another one of my coworkers, "I'm Sarah! D--- girlfriend" oh that felt amazing to hear, or especially the "I can't believe you've never met Sarah!" yep I can't believe it! it really is hard for me to accept that she's met everyone, that he's introduced her to everyone I should say, knowing he just took me on a little adventure not even a few weeks before. in the motorcycle community, if you have someone on the back of your bike, it kinda a big deal. if that was my man, he definetly wouldn't be my man anymore. which is why all that time, I was mad. how dare he say all these things and take me places and not ever mention the woman he has a life with! not mention that he moved here with her? that they have a house and cats together? that just slips your mind right? anyways, I was gifted a free brand new helmet from one of the guys at the dealership, I was showing it to D when he made that comment that I should let him keep it. Excuse me? for what? so you can give it to your girlfriend? Absolutely fucking not. I didn't say that of course, he said "so you can make sure to use it when you're on my bike" I told him I couldn't go on his bike anymore, I told him it "wasn't right" he didn't like that, I probrobly should have explained more but I was trying to avoid this all together; eventually I apologized and explained that I couldn't go on his bike anymore because I had met his girl, he seemed not as surprised as I thought but he said absolutely nothing about her or my reasons, we kinda brushed it off but someone has to give me credit for trying to put a stop to our actions. but it didn't work, we both kept flirting and talking and getting to know each other to the point where they had to have a sales meeting about "talking too much to the receptionist". everyone could see there was something between us, my boss would even encourage me to sleep with him knowing he had a girl, she still teases us, as well as the rest of the crew because apparently everyone knows and saw us ride off on his bike. I didn't go to lunch with him for a long time after all of that, we would just buy each other lunch and one of us would pick it up. eventually things got a bit more personal, our conversations, our dynamic changed, for me at least. I couldn't help but catch feeling for him, to the point where I would cry every single day feeling guilty for it, feeling so envious that I could never have him! for so many reasons realistically we would never work out, the age gap, the girlfriend - those are definitely some concerning factors I think. but I couldn't help it. I still can't. I've been through so many stages with this man, from screaming my lungs out because I can't even tell if he likes me as a person, to screaming my lungs out to how much he likes me or how he likes me. everything was about him. it still is. my emotions revolve around if he talks to me, texts me, looks at me. this has been the most emotionally traumatic experience of my life. I can't express how deeply I feel for him and how excruciating it is to know that there is only one ending. that everything I've ever wanted with him will never happen, he can never give it to me because no matter what I do, I won't be enough for him. Most of the time I've known him I've just been confused if he feels anything for me, the way I do about him, or if its just been a "game" we play, as he's put it. after all those tears of confusion, became knives straight to the heart, as one day in one of our many conversations I ask him "what's the end game here" and he tells me there isn't one, this flirting thing we do has always been a game, we are "work boyfriend and girlfriend" Jesus did that kill me inside. I can't tell you how many blood vessels I probably broke from all the crying and screaming I did in my car. never in front of people, because im always "amazing" and positive, I could never let anyone see this side of me. I got mad that day so I gave him the silent treatment and he noticed. he texted me asking why I was mad and I delayed my response till 9 pm which he noticed as well and tried to get me to come clean about why I acted so different towards him. I never told him the truth, I told him I wasn't mad, because what good would the truth do but embarrass me and make me even more sad at his rejection. things were quite for a few days when he randomly asked if I wanted to go get chicken tenders at the bar located at a golf course 5 minuets away, I said yes. I couldn't help myself. someone at work saw us leave at the same time so once again we are obviously very discrete. the first lunch at the golf course was a good time, we talked a lot more got to know each other without interruption, second time the vibe changed a bit, he got more bold in the things he would say not only in private but at work as well, so much more bold. more honest. I told him that I was still a virgin, I told him about my "cherries" my nipple piercings, I told him about the man I used to have a thing with when I had started working. this whole time I haven't been innocent, I've flirted, I've talked sexually, been very open and honest, i've done things to get reactions out of him, I flirt with other men to keep him on his toes and remind him that he's not he only one, when he totally is. he's convinced ill replace him with another man when he's gone. he quite obsessed with that theory and as much as I would tell him that isn't true, he's never convinced so I've started going along with it and pointing out potentials when he's gone, so far even to smile and laugh right in front of his face and make eye contact with him while I do it. if he wants to play that game, than so can i. I don't know how he really feels about that or why he keeps bringing it up, maybe in hopes I do replace him so I don't bother him when he quits. I don't know but if that makes him feel better than so be it. the last time I went to lunch with him everything changed. everything was very charged, you could cut the tension with a knife, he talked about how that day I purposely wore my hair up to show my boobs that looks huge that day, he told me how good I looked and mentioned the sweat that glistened off my chest, I noticed the happy trail that he had as he lifted his shirt to wipe his face as he leaned against his bike, it was all very intense for me and we hadn't even got inside the bar yet. this time everything felt different, he wasn't the same, its like now that were alone, he's so much more intense, ive never been able to keep my cool with him an he can tell that when he talks low and says things that shouldn't be said in public, I get shy and quite like the virgin I was. I teased him with letting he water fall between my breasts , I gave him a peak at the lace of my bra, he asked me if I was wearing matching panties. this was a very different, intense lunch. eventually he came to asking me the question ive been wondering the whole time I've known him, "What were doing here, its just a game right?" I told him I guess, he tells me he's asking me, I told him "thats all it could be right" we tiptoe around the elephant in the room and when I didn't get the question he was really trying to ask me and he was about to give up, I told him to ask me straight up, I told him "you always hold back, just ask me" and he said "I want to fuck" instant stab to the heart, my delusional self maybe thought this could have gone a different direction but this makes a lot of sense, lots of sexual tension equals just sex. not sure where that could have gone. I should mention while of course I fantasized about the whole life with this man, cats and all, I've wanted him sexually the most. I've never been more attracted to someone where I've wanted them to do everything and anything to me, it took all in me to to tell him no that day, I told him it wouldn't be the best idea because I would catch feelings, I told him the truth. we never lie to each other, keep secrets? yes. but never lie. he agreed and acknowledged that we both have our own "circumstances" as he put it that wouldn't allow for feelings. meaning his girlfriend, in case you forgot. I told him " it probably wouldn't help that I already like you" I did it! I confessed my feelings! And his response was "you'll get over fast when I'm once I'm gone" I obviously have amazing taste in men. time passes and things aren't mentioned again, every week is the week he's quitting, I can't count how many times I've said goodbye to this man, I grew tired of it and one of the last times I had made the comment, "and to think I was going to tell you I changed my mind" this stuck with him. I've been to our chicken tender bar place by myself a few times, made friends with the nice cute bartender Sheldon and made sure to tell D allabout him, I sent him a picture of my food letting him know I went alone, of course his response was of the same observation. that night something happened where I woke up on my day off to a very nice message from his girlfriend herself, from her own number saying "this is D gf. back the fuck off thanks" lovely. she went through his phone, she could have gone more in on me but my messages to him weren't anything bad on my end, on his, I can't imagine what kind of argument they had. things were tense when I got back, he knew she texted me and kept apologizing, this is also the first time we've ever really acknowledged her. I had no choice but to laugh about it because at this point what can I do, I can't be angry. I'm in the wrong, I deserved that message and more. but to him it was funny because "nothing ever happened between us" okay, another stab thank you. time went on and it came to the day that he was in for a deal on his day off dressed so deliciously I couldn't help but stare when he asked me if I wanted to get a room with him, I said yes. another week went bye when he asked again, I told him I had family in town and I was on my period but yes, I do. another week went by and I got a Brazilian, got my hands and feet done, to his pleasure as I'm pretty sure he has a thing for feet which I though would freak me out but its quite intimate, anyways the rest of the week goes by and I'm pissed because he hadn't made any initiation on if were were going to meet until I joked about how crazy it was I hadn't gotten any message with and address date or time or even a "want me to pull up rn?" text as he's sent me before. he said it was crazy he didn't get any messages either and ask what I was doing that night, I told him nothing, he had plans to go to the bar with the rest of the guys and watch the UFC fight and I told him the he had priorities, he said unless you want to do something and I laughed and told him I was kidding and to live your life. we never confirmed anything about that night but we knew even as we said goodnight to each other at the end of the day. I went home and took an exhausting everything shower, and redid my makeup and sat on my bed overthinking, freaking out and waiting like a whore for him to text me. 11:30 pm he texted me "you up" basically I spent the next hour and a half waiting for him to send me an address to which hotel because I didn't not want this to happen at his house, and for him to safely ride home in the poring rain. all the hotels were booked for the night so he asked if I wanted to come over, so I said fuck it and said yes. I got to his house, met his cats and he led me to I guess a guest room that had a mattress of the floor, no pillows and that is where it happened. he did bring in very comfy pillows. the experience itself was phenomenal, I was in many different positions and tried many new things, I guess thats a perk of giving your v card to a man 10 years older than you. the experience was very appreciated. my favorite parts were the gentleness he would give in moments like stroking my ankle as he had me in one of many positions, interlocking our fingers as he went down, caressing my body in more intimate that sexual ways, the way he cuddled me afterwards and we had serious and funny conversation in between half delirious because It was like 3 in the morning, only to go at it for another hour for the second time. I should mention this whole time we've been doing it has been with out a condom, but I'm on birth control and he knew that but not the smartest on my part. it was an amazing time, but now I'm left with the guilt of my own actions. I can't believe how pathetic, worthless, and used I feel. all by my own decision. I let him take me for the first time on a mattress on the floor in his girlfriends home, raw. its sad, disgusting, embarrassing, pathetic, completely immoral. I can't believe how Ive degraded myself to this level just for a piece of a man. I know I've done this because I didn't want all of this emotional distress to be for nothing, in my mind as long as I get a piece of him, I won't forget him and he won't forget me. especially after he got my cherries tattooed on him. to me it was all to prove I did mean something to him. Which is even worse. I haven't seen or spoken to him since that night, he had confided as we cuddled that the father of his friend passed away days before and he was a father figure to him so he would be traveling to attend the funeral but he's been gone more than a week and I see now that he's waiting for the end of the month to finally quit as he got a new job at an Audi dealership. it hurt never getting a text the day after but I have to remind myself that even now, the ending is still the same. he will continue his life with his girl and his cats, maybe find another receptionist to keep him company, and ill be left to deal with the guilt of my own actions and the heartache that I knew would come but decided to push off until I had no choice but to deal with it. but now I'm navigating my own self worth or their lack of because I wasn't strong enough to resist temptation. and this is nobodies fault but my own. if you read this, don't feel bad for me, I knew what I was doing. but I hope that someone out there reads this and realizes they aren't alone. the feeling of want and desperation for someone is hard to resist when you crave the affection of others in any way you lack. I couldn't control how I felt which resulted in my actions, that doesn't make me unaware of my actions or excuse any of them but nobody truly understands until your in the shoes of the woman who craves something she can never have.
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Everything happens for a reason and am pretty sure this incident will have huge impact on your life and will help you become a more strong character and you will definitely not make same mistakes .
Just try to take Care of yourself and give more love to yourself.. I am pretty sure you will get over him 🌸
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