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Living in this apartment with my autistic roommate literally feels like torture every fucking day. No bullshit. It makes me want to kill myself sometimes.
This guy has no job and all he does is play the game, sleep and go hang out with his cousin. Literally. I gave him 2 responsibilities and that was to take care of his cat and to take out the trash. He doesn't have to work, wash the dishes, sweep the floor, mop the floor, drive to get groceries, cook, clean the bathroom, do the laundry, take him to his appointments, shit like that. Nah, I do that. I only asked for him to do 2 things. He waits until the trash becomes smelly and overfilled to take it out. He waits until I notice that the cat's litter box has too much shit in it, stinks really bad, or that the piss is piling in the box ( I didn't even think this was possible ) to clean it. He waits until I yell at the cat for scratching my leg to the point that I'm bleeding for him to take care of her.
I try to tell myself that it's because of his autism. Hell, he'll even tell me that sometimes. To cope and stop myself from yelling at him, I'll eat. I thought I had my eating habits under control, but no. I'm binge eating again to cope with the fact that I'm living with a selfish bastard. So I eat. I try not to go over board with what exactly I'm eating, since he might not get his unemployment processed or whatever, so I buy cheap shit. Noodles that're high in sodium, chocolate snacks, chips, stuff like that. It's like a drug, you know? It gives me a little boost, a high if you will. It makes me feel good when I eat, until I don't.
I have a condition called GERD. Even though it's quite common, my body gives me the most shittiest symptoms associated with it. Runny nose, disassociation, increased heart rate, stomach pain, sore throat, dry mouth, increase in mucus, and fatigue are only some of the symptoms I have when it flares up. My most scariest symptom is called a GERD attack. It literally mimics a heart attack and it's the most scariest shit I've experienced. I had the luxury of experiencing that shit four times. And it's all because of my eating habits. My weight makes it no better, either.
So after I binge eat, my GERD usually flares up and I start panicking and getting angry at myself for what I did. It's self sabotage to constantly go to food for comfort knowing that I'm hurting myself with it, but what else do I have? What other choice do I have? My roommate is a dick, and even though he uses his autism and depression as an excuse, there's no fucking reason that you could go 6 months without helping to clean, knowing that I need help and talk about me cleaning all the time. That's just selfish. I don't want to go live with my family due to traumas and the fact that there's no space for me there. It never was. I can't just kick my roommate out because he has no where to go. I don't have any friends. I don't have anyone to run to. I have no one. I wanna see a therapist but, the way my money is looking right now, I just don't think I can dish the money out to do that.
I feel stuck but this time, it seems like my only solution is to be patient. I barely managed to get through the first 6 months. How tf am I gonna do this shit for another 6 months? It's torture.
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