Feels like Im sinking into myself

To whoever does see this I hope they are doing well. I don’t know why Im writing this out but I just don’t feel like I could tell anyone this really without them being concerned or feeling like they have to stop what they are doing to help me. Thats not what I want. I feel as of now like Im sinking into my own feelings. Everyday can be fun and enjoyable. I got into college recently and am making new friends while also working towards my future. Everyone is so proud of me for getting so far and I myself feel the same. I never really thought Id even get here. But at night when no one is looking and everything has stopped, there is an emptiness. Real hole forms within myself and from it come pouring out how I really feel; helpless. I want someone to unconditionally love me always and be by my side, to care for me but I don't want to stop those who are already around me from living there lives. I want a lover but I know that I won’t be able to handle that. I feel conflicted but how else am I supposed to feel if not like this for what I stated earlier. Worst of all, I did have someone who loved me unconditionally, who wanted to care for me but I pushed them away. For my family sake, I pushed them away and they hate me now. I don’t know what to do to get this feeling out of me. I want to move on and keep living but how do I do that. I don’t even know if any of this makes any sense. For anybody who got this far thank you for reading my ramblings. I hope you have a good day or night where ever you might be. God bless