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I fell off the wagon again.
I lasted twelve days this time.
I know it was going back into the office that triggered it.
The masses of overcrowded busses and delays didn't help either.
I don't like the way I feel when I drink.
I've been able to stop for a year, but since I started back 3 years ago I can't even make 90 days.
I know that it's not good for me nor my living family.
All I know is that when I don't leave the house I don't drink.
But when I'm out in the world, without a phone on my book or hand I am on edge.
And I'll probably do this self-destruction again this evening.
This sucks.
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I was there a year ago.
Always knew that it was wrong but I couldn't stop.
Whenever I would start again, I could always list what triggered it.
I noticed that the only reason I would start again was because of how I felt after it and not because I liked it.
I don't know how it may sound but believing that you'll do the self-destruction again snatches away any chance of you stopping.
The overcrowded bus and delays will always be there. Its you who will change.
You will be the one to feel proud after stopping.
Controlling even after everything around you was leading to it will happen.
I hope you remember how you feel right now when you think about drinking again and it stops you, you stop yourself.
ReplyYou ever been to AA? Not promoting anything but any of the anonymous thing's have a chip or keychain "just for today". So if you're clean just for today that counts. Start again and keep trying to be sober. You did a good job for a year. We all can fall off that wagon to any addiction. Just get up and try for another year clean :)
ReplyIt sucks but you're doing the best you can. You're trying, and that counts for a lot. But I don't think anyone can do it alone. I say that because I'm relapsing also (not alcohol but something equally self destructive), and after 6 years of this on/off thing, I conclude that there's only a certain amount that we can stay strong without some real encouragement from the outside.
If we try to recover by ourselves, in a vacuum, then there's no difference from the conditions that sent us down this ugly road in the first place. I think that's why relapses are so common. If you have someone, anyone, you can go to for support then don't hesitate. That itself is a rarity; even our loved ones often don't know what to do. Sometimes they make it worse. I feel like the only kind of person who can give you material support is someone who has been through (or is going through) the same thing.
Keep trying though. Like I'm telling myself now, I'll relapse and demolish myself today but I'll start over clean tomorrow. Maybe that itself is a foolish strategy but it's not like addiction gives us a choice.
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