I'm the problem

Just now I realised - after a fight with my husband as I was venting out on how he insulted my previous job and how he is doing a superior job than me - and I wanted to vent it out to someone else about him - my sister came into my mind.

As I wanted to bitch about my husband to my sister, I realised that I had previously bitched about my sister and her secret relationship to my husband and also to my mothers sister!!

What if my husband and sister one day sat and talked and found out about me bitching behind their back about them ?!

Then it suddenly struck me as to why my friends suddenly used to stop talking to me or even backstabbed me!

I used to talk behind their back to each other thinking the other person won't talk and I can trust them. But obviously it was not true and they spoke and I came out to be the bitch who talks behind everyone's back!

I feel so bad about myself now and thinking what people think about me itself makes me sick!!

Then how will I ever have friends ?! Due to frequent backstabbing (now I am confused whether I was the reason or sometimes where the people itself were wrong ) I stopped talking to people( not my relatives like husband and sis of course) and even if I did - I made sure I don't talk about anyone to anyone as I cannot trust humans.

Turns out I cannot trust myself too! I am already depressed Af after being jobless, a mom, a failing and dragging relationship with my husband - I'm the problem!!

What should I do?!! Kill myself ?!! Or just leave everyone and go?!! But what about my child then ?!! I can't quit now!!

What do you think about me ?!! And should I start making new friends now and be careful or avoid everyone! Please note that making friends is nearly impossible for me due to all the backstabbing I have received horribly!!

And even if I talked behind the people - what made me do that in the beginning? Is people pleasing the reason? Or the need to fit in? Or to gain people's attention? Or to befriend someone ? Why did I start that?!! I don't know !!!