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So... in my entire life, I've been such an extreme people pleaser. I have no boundaries, I let people mistreat me, as they like as long as they are willing to hang out with me. But on the other hand, I also have narcissistic syndrome. I told them about how bad I was and what I didn't like about myself. I don't know how to interact properly with people, all I think is I want to be liked. I realized that I this long time actually only thought about myself. I have low self-esteem.
During college, I had 2 close friends at that time. Fast forward, to one day, this friend of mine told my secret to a guy who was quite close with her. All my embarrassing things, she literally forwards my message to this guy. Then this guy suddenly messaged me and asked the things related to my secret. I instantly realized what is happening here. At that time, I felt really disappointed. Fast forward. But because I was a people pleaser, I just forgive her like that. Then we become friends again. And my stupid ass never learn. I kept share about my problem with her. That time, can be said, my mental health is in the lowest. I crying at least 10 times a week for a few months.
I think that guy told my secret so someone else too. I know this guys, he can't kept his mouth shut. One day, I went to school. I met one of my classmate, when I about to greet her, she gave me this unhappy look, you know, she look me from head to toe with unpleasing eyes, I don't know what is happened to this girl, but I cancel my plan to greet her after that bombastic side eyes. Then a few days later, I remember before that day I met her, I met her too before that when I was hang out with the girl who told my secret. I remember when we talk to her, she never once looking at me, as if I am not there, but I wasn't thinking too much at that time. Now, sometimes I remember how she gave me that look, it bother me and make me uncomfortable, then I remember the girl who told my secret to that guy.
Actually, I've been realizing how unhealthy my friendship is with them. Oh yeah, as for the other girl, I have inferiority complex toward her, and this all happened during that months, at the same time. Back to the story, during my friendship with them, I feel nothing but sad and wronged. But my dumbass brain think maybe I could fix that after a year feeling like that.
One day, I went to home after hang out with one of the girl I have inferiority complex with. I ride a buss, in the buss, all I think is "death must be easier, why am I like this? why should I feel all of this uncomfortable feelings? Why am I very stupid?". After arrived at home, I cried until midnight, took a bath, trying to sleep while cry. But I couldn't sleep, my mind wandering, thinking about all things I have been doing for this 7 years of me turtoring myself. How I betray myself. Sometime I am thinking, "Is it actually me, the way I am thinking is weird? Not like other people? Am I too sensitive?"
After that night, I make a decision. I give up. I cut off my relationship with them. I would never think about having any close interactions with them anymore. It's been 2 months. I don't totally cut off my communication with them, it's just that I never join them anymore when they're talking in group chat or want to hang out. I would still reply their message like usual, but will never go into deep into any topic, just being casual. Slowly fading from them. I never told them anything. Even if I told them... well that's enough, I've been making many dramas with them just for the sake of making our friendship better again. I used to write stupid poetry, actually that poetry just a joke, what I receive is "read a few a hours ago" and critic. After that I feel sad and complain to them. This happened many times, I feel everytime I say something, they make it as if I say a bad thing.
After a few months I forgive the girl who told my secret and actually never feel any hate toward her, this day after remember the girl who gave me hate look, I suddenly feel angry toward the girl who told my secret. This is such a very late anger.
Anyway, problably this is all my fault for being a people pleaser and having no boundaries. If I could just shut my mouth. Sometimes my people pleaser mode will turn on if I am not being carefull.
Now, I have no real life friends. Have issues in school, but actually no one trying to say anything about it. I have to finish my thesis and graduate now.
BTW, I think the story I write here is kinda confusing, I've always been want to write this somewhere. I didn't know where to start and how to write it, I have do my best to write this.
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It takes some time to get out of this, but keep yourself and priority and see how you push back the toxic and irrelevant people. You'll be alone, yes, but not lonely in crowd.
ReplyTo forgive is divine (as God forgives us when we acknowledge and repent), but there must always be consequences, otherwise how will the offender learn from his or her mistake?
Boundaries are absolutely necessary in life. Best of luck.
If he has a heart, he will truly live to regret his actions everyday of his life, and he will live life wishing he could undo what he did, knowing 100% that you did not deserve what he did, and he will pray for you that you have a blessed life. If he doesn't have a heart, then he is not even aware of the hurt he caused, and building up resentment toward him is like you swallowing poison and expecting him to die. Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
ReplyWhen I was in school I had a very similar story to you. I had 2 friends both very toxic and I was always left on my own as I am too a pushover. I am 21 now and I just want to say to you that you are very strong and you are worthy. You are not alone! I've been through it and so have soo many girls.
I stayed friends with the girls until I left college. As im older now they try to contact me and I don't want to know them because I have found my own friends. There is a friend for everyone in every place you go to I promise you. I only started to meet close friends when I got a job. But trust me, Your best friend is out there somewhere.
As I have got older as well I realised my 2 friends I had weren't that nice to each other either they may seem like the bestest of friends at some point but trust me they wont be as girls like that will always be mean.
Reply