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Why can’t my boyfriend just comfort me instead of giving me a solution when I’m upset?
1 year ago · 4 · upset, +2
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I was reflecting on recent topics about friends and family and how some treated me poorly and it got me emotional (not to mention I’m on my cycle so my emotions are amplified atm..), I didn’t have much people to confide in cause they would just talk about themselves, so I choose to confide in with my boyfriend.
When I confide with him, I was expecting him to comfort me but instead he gave me a solution which is just to stop being sad and improve myself. But somehow that made me feel annoyed like he’s not really listening to me. When I pointed that out he got annoyed and agitated. He said if he was me he’d just move on and do better. I mean I understand that but I still feel sad and would like him to comfort me in a kind way. I’m not sure how to explain it but I wanted him to make me feel better. He pointed out I was being egostistical, that didn’t make me feel any better. And then he pointed out why I never cry like that about him. Which made me ask him if he was making this about him to which he said no but… didn’t seem like it.
I changed the subject because my mind and swollen eyes couldn’t really handle the conversation anymore. His mood has gotten better. He told me he had a busy day, he got home a bit late. He has some presentation he needed to assess tomorrow. Maybe he is stressed about that. Am I being selfish for wanting to confide in him? But I still feel like crap. Am I being crazy? I just wanted him to comfort me and then that happened. I still feel sad but lesser. Now I feel like I can’t talk about my feelings anymore.
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Men are often clueless on how to comfort women because they require different types of comfort. Women think men can read minds and they can't. For example, a women might say 'the grass is long' trying to hint to the man to cut it and he says 'yes' and wonders why she's talking about it.
If you want something specific you can't assume he will read your mind. What works for me is to actually tell him. 'I am upset. I need you to cuddle and not offer solutions'. It's OK TO SAY THIS. He will actually thank you for it. At some time you could say 'I have a problem I would like you to help me brainstorm on'. or 'this is another thing I just want comfort right now, perhaps solutions later'.
When him, or anyone else, isn't responding the way you want/expect, ask yourself if you even told them what you need. Or did you just tell them the grass is getting long.
PPS, it's totally ok for you to need comfort/companionship/whatever.
ReplyI agree with this person, however, it only works for a bf that actually listens. Based on OPs post, it does seem like she did actually tell her bf what she wanted . Judging by what he replied(based on OPs perspective) there's something wrong with the guy. His responses were patronizing.
If you go and tell your bf what you actually want, and he replies with "you're egotistical" then that looks like the time to break up.
Idk these people or how their actual relationship is based on this small text. But responding to a communication attempt with an insult is not it.
Remember that... it's BOTH parties that needs to work together, you can talk and communicate all you want, but if the person doesn't choose to listen, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship
ReplyHello!
Men are not women, so instead of giving comfort, they give solutions because that's how they do with their friends. Now, you can have a man who is willing to learn that difference and make an effort to learn the new thing, or one that is not interested in changing its ways. Whoever you've got, it's your choice what to do later, lol
Now, go and tell him that when you are feeling like that, you just need comfort from him (a hug, a couple of supporting words, whatever you need, etc.), because you will know what to do later, so you don't need suggestions but just some moral support. And BAM, that's it. There is no need to go further than that. Keep it simple.
Seems like both are students. Both are passing through different stuff. Make the terms between the two of you clear. Talk all your doubts with him and be prepared because not liking his responses is a possibility, and you'll have to make decisions on that. Also, choose a good time to talk things (or try). It's a learning path, I guess.
ReplyBruh! Why are our cases so similar LOL. This also happened to me. I also in the end never talk about feeling anymore with her. They think when ppl come only need advice, they think ppl don't have feelings. in my case, this girl is impossible to talk about feelings with.
You can talk about what you feel with him, but make sure you also try to look from his perspective. Don't burry your bad feelings about someone, or else, one day all those bad feelings will blow up (make sure the person is possible to talk with tho)
Reply