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I was already insecure. I was already having a difficult time loving myself. And you only made it worse. It’s my fault really, I believed the phrase someone once told me “you can’t truly love someone until you love yourself first”. And still, I didn’t listen. And now the worsening condition of my self esteem is my fault. Still, I can’t help but feel it’s yours also. You openly stated that your dream girl was skinny but thick, curly haired, freckles, and Puerto Rican.
And when we dated, you made a comment saying that Puerto Rico has the most beautiful women in the world.
You constantly put down Mexico and Mexicans.
I’m not Puerto Rican, and I’m not skinny, and I am not the thickest, I don’t have freckles, and my natural hair is poofy…and to top it all off I’m Mexican.
But the icing of it all was when we stopped dating you immediately chased after another girl, a girl who you were already familiar with and discussed with me. A girl who was skinny and thick. A girl who had freckles and curly hair. A girl who was Puerto Rican.
Then we got back together, and you made fun of how I was threatened by someone who was younger than me.
Everything that I had to give and offer felt absolutely worthless. I felt as if she was younger, smarter, prettier, and better than me in every way.
You guilt tripped me because of her mom and dads divorce, all because she decides to let her pain be known and I don’t.
I tried to regain my confidence once by trying to receive your approval. You were talking about how you needed help in a subject from another friend in your same class. I tried to offer my help and reminded you that I was also smart and that’s why I graduated at the top of our class. And with your words you said “that title doesn’t mean anything” a stab no an obliteration of the something I could be happy about. It meant nothing my work, my efforts it meant nothing, it wasn’t real, at that moment something amazing I had accomplished no longer existed.
No instead what was smart was talking college classes while in high school, and I admit, it is smart. And I didn’t do that so now I’m not smart. I’m just someone who is easily replaceable.
Everyday I slowly try to put back together the pieces of me that you further shattered and as I begin to put the last piece of me into place; finally I can begin to make out this girl who can do anything. And then in a moment I see her the way you seen her and I break her again and again, over and over reminding her of how she’s really seen… Not enough.
September 29th, 2023
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Hey! I don't know if you will ever read it but if you are reading this now, I just wanted to say that you are beautiful the way you are. I'll be honest here, but you don't need to be Puerto Rico at all. You are enough as you are. No one defines you other than you and do not give this right to other people to ever describe who you are. I might not know your whole story but I think the person who is not making you feel valued does not have the correct means to make you feel valued, because if he does, he'll make sure you never feel like that about yourself.
Words can make us feel appreciated but it also confines us to a definite spectrum of appreciation. You are smart, no doubt, as you are exceling in your studies. All you need is a person who appreciates you for who you are actually. So, till the time you find that person, why not be that person for ourselves? My point here is, why can't we provide ourselves with the kind of appreciation and value we seek from others? Why do we wait for a real person to come in our life who will make us feel good about ourselves? Can't we do that on our own?
No matter how badly a person has hurt you in the past, the things can always be made good. Once my art teacher had said to me, "There's nothing in art which cannot be fixed, no matter how bad it is." How about if we just replace the word 'art' with 'life'?
"There's nothing in the life which cannot be fixed back for good no matter how bad it is."
P.S. I am not that good at these things but I am still trying. Hope it finds you in good health.
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