thoughts about my thoughts

It’s funny how when you are seemingly okay you yearn to be put in a disastrous situation so that you are forced to turn to the warm and loving energies around you, or rather so that your sadness will pity those people and they will come to comfort you. Fantasizing about disaster so that you can receive that love you are missing says a lot about yourself.

For one, you are lonely and sad and not in fact okay. You feel a lack of warmth in your life perhaps because you are blind to it. You look around at all of the happy people in the world and think, “they are happy because they are able to be happy, and I am not”. Except that you know that that is not true, because you have been happy before. You’ve experienced the joy of Christmas as an eight year old, the thrill of a stranger complimenting you, the feeling of accomplishment after getting a new personal record, the overload of endorphins when your dog crawls into your lap, and the pain of laughing so hard you can’t breath (though that is something that you have not experienced in what is probably years, is that bad? Are you broken?).

You are happy. You are okay. You are literally fine. But you’re really not. “It’s okay to not be okay”, as all the aesthetic instagram posts on your feed read. But when you can’t seem to ever be steady and happy for more than a week or two without falling into a slum of burn out and existentialism again, you start to realize that it’s really not okay to not be okay. You don’t want it to be okay to not be okay because that would mean that this is the normal, that it’s normal and you are fine and you are okay and you are being overdramatic and it’s just hormones and you are doing this for attention and you just want to feel sorry for yourself.

Maybe you are just so set on the idea of achieving happiness and confidence that you forget that life is fluid and that there will be no constant high. Still, then you meet people who seem always so happy and steady because they are genuinely satisfied with their life. Maybe they are really that happy, or maybe they are just too naive or scared to realize how boring and depressing their life is [you write that and feel a pang of guilt and stupidness because you are stupid and self absorbed and think that you are above everyone which you are not. Take a step down and look yourself in the mirror]. Ugh idk.