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i think i’m rly just mad at myself. last time i remember seeing confidence, i was twelve. i thought i was grown up and free. but i still need someone to get lunch w me. itd be nice to believe that she needs me more than i need her. but whats the point when the truth is i’m rly just insecure.
i paint my face on some mornings. it’s a little surprising considering that there was a time, not that long ago, where i’d go days confined to the 3 walls of my stupid bedroom. and on days like today, the sun speaks to me. on other days, the clouds do their little evil dance. i know that its just the natural way of life. but is it also natural for happiness to always be out of bound.
and now i live w ppl i didn’t know existed 2 months ago. i tidy my space, only just to embrace my days and how fruitfully filled they are with meaningless shit i pretend is just apart of boring routine.
but im paranoid. terrified actually. that they’ll find me out. and that they notice. notice that there’s nothing left to know abt me. notice that i like the insides of buildings a little too much and that that’s all there is to it. a whole lot of nothing.
and i swear it feels like im just scared of smth that no one can see. im at war with myself and time is the long game but im tired of waiting. of holding my mothers hand and feeling the shock when she lets go. sometimes i think im strong enough and maybe feeling the rain would allow me to regain my lost youth but im tired of trying and failing. of wanting smth so bad and convincing myself that the outcome isnt worth the journey if i have to endure the pain of a reward that most ppl would hardly treasure anyway.
so honestly? im just feeling rly sad rn. lonely. tired and frustrated.
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