I feel so unbearably stupid

Is it possible to be so stupid it physically aches? Like your spine’s cramped from constantly carrying something both dense and useless? A kind of all-body idiocy that feels restless and cold and just…’how are you not better already?’

Maybe that’s dramatic. Not maybe, it is dramatic.

Who cares if I’m dumb?

Well…actually, maybe don’t think about that too much. Because I fucking care. And everyone who’s affected by how stupid I am, cares.

I know that negativity isn’t gonna help. But so far, nothing has. I keep making mistakes - often the same ones, over and over - and forgetting things and it keeps getting worse. I don’t feel like an adult, I don’t feel capable.

It’s not noticeable enough for people to make exceptions for, but it’s enough for me to be…well, at this point, pretty much unemployable. I’ve had the same part time jobs for years, but I keep forgetting to go on extra days - despite calendars, reminders, real life conversations that I fully don’t remember. I haven’t been able to get a new job in years, and I don’t think I ever will - so if I lose these, I’m basically just fucked.

And even knowing that isn’t enough for me to stop making mistakes.

I feel like it’s something to do with various head injuries I’ve had, but that doesn’t really change anything.

Because the reason/excuse doesn’t matter, fact is that I am just a fuckin idiot & unreliable, and of course people don’t like that.

I barely ever even know what year it is. Didn’t know who the prime minister was for months, probably couldn’t name the 4 most recent ones now. A lot of the time, nothing feels real. When people ask me anything, 99% the time my answer is just ‘I don’t know’ or ‘sorry, I forgot’. I struggle with maps and directions. I can’t do maths. People will greet me by name and I have no idea who they are. Occasionally I see objects or short notes in places that I definitely put there to remind myself of something, but I don’t know what. Eventually they just become decorations - I don’t want to move it, because it’s important probably. I don’t know if it’s been there for hours or weeks. It feels like 3 years and a week are the same thing. I don’t know if there are gaps in my memory, because time doesn’t feel real. Sometimes people will ask what I was doing for the last 2 hours and I have no idea what to tell them. But in, like, a doctors memory test setting, it’s not noticeable.

I don’t know how to explain that I can’t be better.