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People say to me, "imagine being smart. You're so smart. I wish I was like you." But let me say something. There is a HUGE difference between smart and able to study.
And there is a huge difference between smart and panicking so much u have no choice but to study.
People say they envy me. Smart. No strict parents. But I'm really not smart. It's just this constant pressure I put on myself, this neverending torture of caring about grades, that leads to study and stay up all night.
If anything, school made me hate learning. It taught me that learning requires effort, effort that sometimes is never enough no matter how much you suffered. It taught me that with learning come sleep deprivation, constant stress, no breaks, constant improvement, constant work.
I envy you guys who still have a passion for learning outside of school.
And I know u guys want to punch me in the face when I get an 80% and say I failed. I know. I know that's being tone deaf, which is why I keep my mouth shut. But sometimes I just want to scream. When I say I probably failed, you guys say there's no way I got below a 90%. When I say I got an 80% and failed, that's me being insensitive.
Even the other smart kids, those in higher classes but with lower grades, they call me smart just because of my grades. They tell me I have no right to be talking about my low grades because I have higher grades. They say I'll probably do better than them when I get to their level.
Can I just.. escape this hell for one minute?
This self made prison of caring about grades.. I wish I could just escape and break free. Know what it's like to just be able to ignore classes and have fun doing sports or something. I'd rather suffer physically or mentally from physical limits rather than cramp up in my room, hunched over a desk, beating myself up over why my mind can't handle this.
Ever since second grade, people assumed I was smart just because I had no friends so I was always reading. And ever since then, that's been my only personality. The "smart quiet girl." I wish I could say I wasn't. I wish I could yell at them and say, "there's more to me than that."
But can I? What else is there to me? I've focused my entire life around this thing called school to the point that even my social life came second. So what more is there to me than this?
So what happens when I'm no longer "smart"? What happens if I want to just go stand on the highest point of a mountain and scream until I can't?
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I'm like a trophy for my parents
I'm a good daughter, a respectable person only if I get good grades
I have nothing in my life worth living for except school
my social life is dead in its grave, no hobbies, nothing that makes me happy
I'm jealous of the people who go out, have fun, do everything they want to and still manage to get decent marks
I get depressed when I'm not the best, like this is the only thing I do, I devote all my time and energy to this and yet I can't be at the top? what a failure I am
there's nothing special about me, nothing that i can call my "unique feature"
I dont have anything to talk about except science, but these days I dont want to talk about it
I just want to be normal
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